asmywitness | IC Inbox

[He knows better than to pity mortals. Knows better than to see them as anything but the frail, foolish, and fleeting existences that they are. Their pathetic lives naught but candle's flame to the roaring bonfire that is an ancient's. He knows better, has been shown time and again it is foolish to care, to waste time and energy on those that barely have either to begin with. These sorry creatures that are naught more than a mockery of the people he's lost—and while the mortals here that are not from his star, his reality, share not the fragmented souls of his fallen brethren...they too share the same fate. The same flaws. The same fragility.

They choose to perpetuate their misery, choose to harm one another, it's all the same! It is always the same. But, he supposes, he is ever the bumbling fool he was warning Tyler about. Because, despite the evidence proving his notions right, he cannot help but feel sympathetic to the loathsome way Tyler's features twist, the anguish that he bears upon his features. How it squeezes his heart, and makes his chest ache.

He really is truly pitiful, and Solus cannot help the empathy he feels. Nor the unhelpful thought of how mortal suicide has always been pointless, when their lives are so short already. Fortunately he has sense to not say that. Had this been someone else, he might have.]

Oh you are no monster, do not be so dramatic. You are damaged, perhaps even broken, yes, but even something smashed to minuscule fragments can yet be restored. Even if you may never be the man you used to be, you are far from gone. You need but the will, though it is no simple task by any means. But if an entire reality can be restored once it has been shattered, then I have my doubts that you are so special, so singularly resilient to healing, that you cannot.

[At least as he says this, he does look sympathetic, though the expression is decidedly conflicted.]

Truly there would be naught left to repair if you did away with yourself, but I have no interest in dictating that mortals extend their fleeting lives when they feel so beholden to death's open door. Nevertheless, while you have no choice other than to continue to exist with the rest of us, I would suggest you make the best of this shared prison. Might you use this time to try at the very least? What have you to lose, really. You claim you have naught left, so then that would be the answer, would it not?

If you try, you might get hurt, this is true, but if you do not, you will likewise face harm—as you have already. At least one has the chance to bring about a better life, though ephemeral yours may be, is that not worth the gamble? Are those you hold dear not worth it?

That depends on how much you actually think an entire freehold cared about your specific existence in particular, when they've all got their own things going on. To most people you'd probably just be a low-tier courtier with no stakes and no life. If they did care enough to make bets, you'd think some of them would start actively pushing you to play the odds.

[You're not as special as you think you are, Steven, and he means that in the kindest way possible.]

Honestly, I don't know what I was doing after I got out. Everything I liked felt tainted, you know how it is. I still hadn't found something I wanted to get into that didn't feel like a sick joke against myself. Mai was trying but I was just. Tired.

[Steven can feel his face heat up.]

I meant my friends. And the Winter Courtiers who found us. Not. Not everyone. I know I'm an egotist but I'm not. I'm not that bad. [Jack-level, he'd call it, if he still wasn't self-conscious about how much he talked about his boyfriend.]

And-- it's not wrong, you know. That you didn't... I mean, of course you were tired. Why wouldn't you be?

[Something about the sheer dismissiveness with which Solus waves off his ~~angsty drama~~ upset brushes against Tyler's irritation - which, honestly, helps in shaking it off more than any other emotion would have. That's Summer for you.

So he pushes himself to sit up a little straighter as Solus continues talking (and winces as he inadvertently puts weight on his sore arm), and actually pays attention.

Objectively, he knows everything Solus is telling him already. Too used to hearing it as mindless platitudes from Mai, when she was obviously trying to comfort herself more than him. Honestly, he's always been offended by the notion, and even now he feels his stomach curdle with resentment. Why should he be the one that has to change, again, when he's always been the one having to, to be everything someone else wants of him? Why can't he, just this once, be the one that doesn't have to? Why can't he be the one that gets to live his own goddamn way without anyone else's expectations weighing him into shape?

...because Solus was right, to his eternal chagrin. Because not changing would just keep hurting the people he cared about. As well as the people he didn't, and while he feels like he shouldn't care about them it still makes him nauseous to think of how close he was to actually breaking something of Hythlodaeus. If the man had actually managed to touch him...

Of course they are. It's myself I doubt. [At least the most of that self-loathing is gone, replaced by just plain exhaustion.] Humans aren't supposed to have memories like mine. An eternal, timeless mind overwhelms us - it's only through necessity and pain that I know how to bear the weight of mine. It's too easy to remember old mistakes, old habits, as if every time is the first time, and fall into them again and again because the path is already there. Too easy to... take things at face value, because I have something to match it to and make assumptions of.

[His hands curl into tight fists for a moment, then release.]

I didn't mean to hurt Hythlodaeus. I didn't want to. I can tolerate his presence the same I do yours, I find no problem in that, but some scars don't fade with time. I will be as terrified of him, or you, touching me tomorrow as I would have been the day I escaped my Durance, and with the way my mind works I cannot fix that. I can learn other things, I can adjust - even if it feels glacially slow to other people. [And his brow wrinkles, thinking of Steven still fearing he won't adjust to the other Changeling's new attitude.] It's not a matter of not wanting to. When it comes to thoughts of my Keeper, there will only ever be fear. Even if they're misplaced.

[So, guess who had to run off to work for the night but made damn sure that if he decided to go over to her house that he'd find a small black box with a note next to it on the table in front of the couch.

She did, of course she did.

But the question is if he's going to actually notice it or not. Who knows, it's a mystery.]

[Tyler is very good at noticing when things are out of place in Lydia's house, it's a real skill. So he definitely notices the box when he walks into the house, and after gently plopping Isis onto a fluffy-ass cushion he sits down and picks up both letter and box.

Lydia, what did you doooooooo]

[Shhh, it's fine.

Except that letter is totally stupid because it's her.]

After everything that's happened I thought this might be appropriate now. Open the box before reading the rest of this note or it'll make absolutely no sense.

[You gonna open that box?]

[He is absolutely opening that box, and is... not sure what he was expecting, but that is honestly kind of a gorgeous stone, and it takes him until he puts it on to realise there's actually a compass in the back of it as well.

Incredibly pretty, surprisingly practical - and he doesn't want to imagine how expensive. ~~Honestly he's just glad it's not a ring, not gonna lie.~~

So now he's even more curious about the letter.]

[~~Even she has her limits on this kind of shit and that's not remotely her style.~~ Hell, she doesn't really wear rings, herself.

As for the letter...]

This is the stupidest thing I've ever written, but I'm going to blame the stupid emotions.

But think of it this way, you can always find your way home if you get lost. Or, you know, if you ever need a place to hide when your brain isn't quite working due to... whatever.

~~Love you, asshole~~

[That last part is totally scratched out but can absolutely still be read. God.]

[oh my god

Tyler's face goes bright red, and he's glad there's no one around to see him put the letter down and bury his face in his hands for a few minutes. He can feel his stomach doing fucking butterflies over this, it was so cheesy and he loves it so much.

He's a sucker for big romantic gestures like that, sue him.

It takes an embarrassingly long time to be able to bring himself to text Lydia.]

I got your present. I love it.

[Had she been glancing at her gear every five minutes or so the entire night so far? Absolutely. Which is exactly why she's diving for the damn thing the second she gets the notification.

And grinning like a fucking fool after reading it.]

Ah, I'm glad you did~ I wasn't sure if you would or not.

[Act casual, act casual, act casual...]

[The rigidness in Tyler's posture does enough to tell Solus of his irritation, but he doesn't care. The momentary upset did not matter in the face of the greater problem. So, when Tyler starts to reply, he likewise gives him his full attention. Though, his expression is not so stern as it has been, there's something more soft to his gaze as Tyler explains himself, explains his memory.

He has to hold himself back from correcting him, from telling him that such memory is what all people should have—but he has to remind himself that Tyler is not like his mortals. At least, not like a good majority of them. Still, he cannot help but feel pity for him, for his pain, for his torment.]

Your memory is just as mine. Eons feel instant, ancient harms are as fresh as those that are suffered in the present, never healing, never forgotten. But this need not be only a weapon, so too can it be a tool.

We may never be able to escape our torment, this is true, but we can better arm ourselves for it. Our burdens are for us to bear, not our loved ones, and so while it may seem unfair, and perhaps it is, we must merely make due. We must press on. Besides, I know you can do better, for you have made progress with me, have you not? Certainly you wish not to be touched by me, but you used to barely be able to speak with me, let alone sit next to me to offer an ear to my woes.

[Yeah, he's not about to forget that, nor let Tyler forget it. Not that either of them would, but it's useful as a reminder of Tyler's actual progress, when he seems fit to deny himself the credit that is due.]

You are right, that some scars never fade. Some scars never become scars at all, but remain open wounds that fester and bleed—fresh as the day they were forced upon us. But with memories such as ours, we have the unique ability to know the difference between that which reminds us of the past, and that which is the same as it. With more evidence and exposure to that which proves otherwise to such misgivings, it will only serve to benefit in the long run.

[He pauses a moment with that, finally giving Tyler a soft smile.]

Which means, while it is liable to be troublesome at times for both of us, I would like to offer my cooperation in assisting you on such a path to recovery. You need not answer immediately, but do think on it.

[He's definitely sending her a selfie of him wearing it. His face is still red, in fact, and his grin still has a bashful edge to it, but the silver chain and gorgeous blue pendant are bright against today's dark outfit.]

I'm a man of taste and you have plenty to spare.

It's genuinely gorgeous. I've never owned something like it before.

[It's probably good she's back in her little private room of the club, given her grin and the bit of giggle from such a simple little thing. God, it really did work out better than she could have hoped.]

It looks real good on you and I'm glad~

You never know when you might end up needing something like it. The technology here is nice and all, but, you know, not infallible. [TOTALLY THE REASON SHE DID IT, YEP.]

[TOTALLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, YEP]

It'll definitely be useful if I ever get lost on my way home. ;)

[YEAH, BABE, HE DID READ THAT LETTER]

[WOW, RUDE, HOW DARE YOU CALL HER OUT.]

Depends on where you think home is, doesn't it?~ ;)

Though given where you are right now, I can make some assumptions.

[She can play this game, too, don't think she won't!!!]

[how dare you call him out, he's supposed to be calling YOU out]

Would you like me to follow it all the way, then? I thought you were at work.

[HA]

[Two can play it, shh!]

You're such a nerd~

And I am at work, just not performing tonight. Honestly, makes it a little boring when I don't, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated to do much regarding it tonight.

Almost done with what I'd come here to do, though.

I'm only loose with my friend's story because she makes no secret of it herself back home. I take pains to not tell anyone of my own life - you're not anything special in regards to my withholding information.

[Even his girlfriend and best friend don't know how many fucking siblings he has, he's not even considering talking about the hard stuff to them until circumstances draw it out.]

Though I will admit that using that as a comparison is a much more... I suppose visceral image of what it must be like living with the people of your world. I do honestly find that much easier to wrap my head around, and I can't say I like the image of that alone - nor do I want to imagine what that must be like as reality for you.

[He knows Solus doesn't want his pity any more than he really wants to give it, but that probably says as much.]

[Tyler wouldn't have been able to forget that in a hurry even if he had wanted to, but he still squirms slightly under the pointed use of it as a comparison. It's a fair stab, especially with how underhandedly he went about it, but... it wasn't wrong. Again. ~~It's irritating how often Solus is right on the money with him.~~ It's too easy to remember his own reaction to Solus after their incident - and even now, looking back on their argument in the hallway, it doesn't quite hold the same sting of anger that it did closer to the actual moment it happened.

The soft smile gets a slight ~~suspicious~~ raise of Tyler's eyebrows, but whatever snide or pitying aside he was expecting from it - some backhanded Solus-ism stained with condescension - he wouldn't have guessed an offer of therapy; and so he openly stares at Solus for a good few seconds, before his brain kicks back into gear.]

I... will definitely have to think about it. [But that's not a hard no - not from Tyler "fuck you fight me" Huang, by any stretch. It's not even a soft no, really, it's just confused. Even his code switching slips a little.] That's... not something I expected from you, honestly, I would have thought I was more beneath your attention than warranting personal assistance.

How curious. Does it pain you to speak of it, or do you think such obfuscation will somehow protect them or yourself? I ask for curiosity's sake, naught more, for I know well the personal importance of keeping certain intimate details to oneself.

Regardless of all that, yes. It is rather horrible to behold. I confess that I have a bit of a habit applying my expectations and experiences with them onto the mortals here whom are unrelated, but in my defense there are a lot of similarities.

[Honestly, he can deal with unspoken pity. Well...sympathy, at least. If it helps one further understand the situation, he isn't so proud to deny what may aid in such, but there is a point where even his pride can only take so much pity. As usual, Tyler seems to have figured out the best way to deal with him in such regards.]

I know. You don't have to explain it.

[tyler no we're trying NOT to be an asshole]

Solus approached me yesterday about it anyway. The whole thing went... better than I expected, I suppose.

Better to have his gratitude than his ire, Steven. Take it as a win.

[There's a long pause, as he considers the idea of a ceasefire. Objectively, he's only thrown blows under duress when someone else has wound him up. But he supposed, theoretically, that this would probably minimise that happening again in future.]

You know I'm going to want to see it before I sign anything.

Of course. I intend to show it to you once I've drafted it. It's basically the Good Neighbors Pact, down to the year-and-day timeframe and swearing on our True Names—though without *signing* them.

And yeah. I know it's better. Still doesn't mean I have to like it.

Are we... going to be okay? Because you're basically my best friend here, Tyler. I don't want to lose you. And even if we're friends now, I'd consider Hythlodaeus a poor trade.

[He just stares at the ceiling for a few minutes.]

I feel like I should be the one asking that, not you. I'm the one that goes off at you with full aggression over reasonable mistakes, and never apologises. You'd be pretty within your rights to ghost me, or just cut me off entirely, and I wouldn't really be able to say you were wrong for it.

Honestly, while I don't really like the degree that you flip out on me, I *do* depend on you to call me on my shit. So you're not getting rid of me that easily.

Really, what pissed me off the most was you trying to solve things without even talking to me about it, like I was some dumb kid whose messes you have to clean up all the time. And given the whole mess with Sento spotting me, I'd *already* been feeling stupid.

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