Tyler Tian Huang | 黄泰勒田 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pmEntry tags:
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[[Tyler screens his calls - anyone who tries to actually call him, he'll text back in reply.]]
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
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His hands falter, and he glances away, grimacing gently before he returns his focus to the camera. His movements have a carefully curated patience to them. I understand that you're trying not to be dismissive of mine when you talk about yours, but it just makes you sound dismissive of yours, and makes me feel like an asshole for existing. And honestly, that's not any better.
He continues again a few seconds later, more naturally.
But yeah, it fucking sucks to still be with the people you were in there with. It's like... they know it's not your fault, but you still felt good about hurting them. You got rewarded for it. And when it happens, when you get that reward, it's only worth it until it's over, and then you're just stuck with having made your friends suffer and they don't even blame you for being so selfish about it.
His hands are shaking a little by the end, and he balls them into tight fists for a moment until the sensation passes.
I couldn't stand living with Mai when we got out. It's not that I don't love her, or that- I didn't want to escape with her, but. It was... hard. Knowing that she didn't know it was all my fault. It felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never did.
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He looks down at his hands, then back up at Tyler.
It's— hard. To still be with them. But the truth is, I wouldn't have left on my own. I didn't deserve to. Polly was the one who insisted I come along. She picked me up and carried me. Well. She's an Ogre. She can do that. And I let her because... Well. Ogre. And I guess I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her.
She knows—they all know now—how it felt for me. That I liked it. I told them. Well. Yelled it at them while I was shouting about how they should have left me behind. That was just after I found out that Charley was missing.
I don't know what it's like when you've known them long before you're stuck with them in hell together... but as painful as it is to be reminded of what I did, I think I might have been even more fucked up alone. I'm actually stupidly grateful I got press-ganged into the mob immediately after arriving here. Team Rocket's a bitch sometimes but it's not lonely.
And. You know. I got you out of it. And Carly and Lydia and Jack and Dirk and Connie. You guys are my family now. Maybe it's stupid and sentimental, but it's how I feel.
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I didn't think I deserved to either. I just... had to. If I didn't then, I never would. And I almost didn't anyway, but...
His hands tremble, lift like he wants to make a sign, but he hesitates and bites his lip. Reaches for a different sign instead.
...my boyfriend stepped in and defended me from our Keeper. If he hadn't taken the Director's attention, Mai and I wouldn't have escaped. I... can't imagine what that must have cost him. He was nearly fully gone, I had to drag him with us. If I hadn't... I didn't...
He stops, and lifts an arm so he can draw his hand down his face, looking more tired and old than he ever has. A true piece of the cynical Wizened edge shining through.
(He didn't even get to say goodbye.)
Eventually, he sighs through his nose and keeps talking. ...I feel the same, honestly. If I hadn't been thrown into Team Rocket I would have been a lot less grounded. I don't feel like most of the others like or even know me that well, but it's still something knowing I don't have to force it with them.
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It's like I said when we were high. People like us can still have these things, no matter if we were made or born. We just have to do it with other people like us. And-- I promise I won't say I told you so if it happens, no matter how much I might want to.
He ducks his head a little awkwardly before he goes on.
But like I said before I got sidetracked there, I think you'd be surprised. Connie likes you. Carly likes you. Dirk likes you. Jack... was being a giant toddler about you being in our help wanted ad and not him, but he was more mad at me than you. I think he's chill about you in most contexts. And Spinel likes everybody. Solus... is a piece of shit and London, Garak, and Melissa don't really know you, but those last three are newbies anyway.
I mean, I get why you didn't notice about Dirk and Connie and Carly. You always go by your first impressions of people, which is why I'm glad I didn't make an ass of myself over the 'gear until after we'd hung out twice in person, but sometimes people do change when you're not noticing that they did. And I don't even just mean me emerging from my multiple-month internal scream. I used to... not know how to handle you. Because you'd been through the same shit as me, but you were so normal or anyway your normal person game was so strong and I was just. Flailing all the time. It took me until we got high together to even start to get you as a person. I still don't always, but I'm trying. And I'm sorry I used to treat you as a kid because you're not a kid. Hell, in some things you're more experienced than me.
His hands still, but only for just a second before he adds, And. I get it. About only being able to escape because other people sacrificed themselves for you. None of them were as precious to me as a boyfriend but. We started the escape with thirteen, including me. By the time we reached San Diego there were only six.