asmywitness | IC Inbox

Yeah, don't worry, I recognise the archetype you're playing into.

It's all the shit you had to live through already. You've spent long enough being small, being quiet and obedient. Why fucking should you anymore, when the repercussions for *not* being so now are so fucking meaningless compared to your Keeper's wrath?

But surprise surprise, social consequences are still a thing, other people and their emotions *matter*, and now you're the asshole in the wrong because you never learned how to differentiate between necessary survival skills and showing some goddamn solidarity.

I'm not gonna talk to Lydia, actually, this is pretty much all on you, because you KNOW what to expect from her. Just fucking apologise, acknowledge that her outrage was valid in a time of intense emotion, and start leaving Solus on fucking read because clearly having more than one person angry at you at a time completely destroys your ability to reason.

[There's a delay before he replies again.]

*I'm* not mad at you, for the record. Like recognises like, that's all.

[There's a long delay on Steven's side.]

Three. Actually. Maybe four. *Possibly* five.

Hythlodaeus is pissed (rightfully so) that when 'Solus' slid into my DMs to abuse me and bitch at me for being the person his ex- is spending time with in order to avoid him, I accidentally let it slide that he *is* hiding things from 'Solus.'

Connie's annoyed (and rightfully so) that 'Solus' and I had a petty bitchfight on her post.

And Jack's annoyed (and rightfully so) that back when *he* was rising in the organization ranks, it took him *forever* to get promoted and I made Beta quicker than he made Private. It's primarily directed at the admins rather than me, but it still making me feel shitty about the one good thing that happened, that I should actually *be* proud of.

Okay, so.

Keeping in mind I'm not your therapist, I'm going to continue to not sugarcoat shit because that's really not what you *need*:

Three relates directly back to two, because you *really* need to stop gossiping about people's flaws, secrets or otherwise immutable personal facts, because you only really do it to be a bitch. Also relates to one: fucking stop with Solus.

Four: see one. Take the L. Grow up.

Five: not my problem, not your problem, not your fault, not Jack's fault. He'll get over it, you'll get over it, suck it up and suck him off if you think he's mad at you about it. I know you're fine with the idea of apology sex.

No, my therapist just threatened to take me apart, piece by piece, if I ever allude to any secrets he's keeping from his ex- *to* his ex- ever again. It was utterly terrifying, strangely hot, and I want to be able to go from zero to unhinged that seamlessly someday.

But okay, fine, you're right about all of it, damn it.

I suspect it'll take more than one blowjob to make up for it, but at least I like to give them and my mouth is once again no longer razors.

I know I am.

[At least he's not being insufferably smug about it.]

Did not need to hear about your enemies to therapist to rivals kink, but sure. We have circumstantial proof that you *do* reach that stage at some point anyway, so like. Goals, I guess. Just don't hold out hope for it to happen here, we're MA15 in a PG world.

I know, I know.

And, look, if anything, it's more me having a thing for my fellow (probable) psychopaths. Which explains everything about why I'm with Jack and why I keep reacting to Hythlodaeus in these extremely unfortunate ways.

(God, I wonder if 'Solus' *realizes* I am or if his stupid accusations of fucking Hythlo were just-- him deciding that there's nothing worth being in my company for *other* than my pretty face and drawing his own conclusions.)

... but hey, there's confirmation that you're *not* one of us, no matter how much your Keeper fucked you up, because I've no interest whatsoever in *you*.

I'd fucking hope you don't, you've already made it very clear how much I remind you of your sister. And I'm not into guys who are ten plus years older than me.

*Again*, Steven, other people's personal information. I don't care if Hythlodaeus is a literal psychopath, that's not yours to share. I also don't care about Hythlodaeus's continued existence in general.

Also also.

STOP. CARING. ABOUT. SOLUS'S. OPINION. For FUCK'S sake. Stop giving him space in your goddamn fucking brain. All he wants is attention and you keep *handing* it to him on a silver goddamn platter. Go out of your way to give him either (ideally) no response whatsoever or (if you fucking have to) single-word responses. Make yourself *boring*, and I guarantee he'll lose interest in you.

Right.

... and it's not *nearly* as much as you used to, honestly. Before I knew you better. It's very much a surface resemblance, because you're both so damn clever and you're both writers and blunt and like clothes and you call me on my bullshit when I need my bullshit called on and I'd do so much for you.

But personality-wise? No. You're very different people. She's-- very much an idealist. Even after ghosts and vampires and shit. And she's-- mm. More playful. And she calms down more easily. Honestly, the person most like her isn't you or even Armin--it's *Entrapta*. Ah. Not that I'll ever tell her that. Given how I learned my lesson with you.

Not everyone bites back as hard at being infantilized as me. I'm the outlier, not the standard.

Don't think I haven't noticed how you keep diverting away from the shit that's hard to confront about yourself, by the way. Dodging off of Lydia and Solus was kind of obvious as shit. Connie too, to a lesser extent, but it mostly seems like as soon as I present to you that you have to genuinely analyse how you're interacting with someone and that your methods on such might be in the wrong, you dance off it.

You do it a lot in general, actually, you've just been doing it in rapid succession here and make it more obvious than usual.

I mean, what do you want me to *say*? You've already analyzed all the ways I've fucked up and shoved my nose in it. Do you need me to explicitly say you're right and I'm wrong?

Because you probably are.

Fuck knows I don't trust my own judgement these days.

I don't want you to stroke my ego, I want you to acknowledge that you're going to do something about it so I have some kind of word to hold you to.

I want to have PROOF that when I smack you for not doing it later, it's a justified "I told you so".

Edited 2020-08-15 08:34 (UTC)

You're right. I'm being an ass. I'll-- figure out how to apologize to Lydia and next time I'll just let her abuse me until she's calmed the fuck down.

And I'll give Emet-Selch the terse, one-word-at-best silent treatment until he gets bored with me. And I'll hope to fuck that he does.

That better?

Yes, actually. Christ.

But seriously, just. Make an effort. I might be more of an asshole than you sometimes, but at least I take steps to fix it if it fucks someone else up, rather than ignoring it and letting it fester.

[That hurts. But since it's Tyler and Tyler doesn't tell him things he doesn't mean, he'll listen. Because he knows Tyler, at least, isn't just telling him to make him feel like shit, but because Steven being an ass is making things harder for him.]

Right.

I'm sorry, Tyler.

Don't be sorry, be better.

Sorry for being so harsh about it. I'm gonna take a break, but I'm not mad at you. This is just a lot.

No, no. You're entirely within your rights to take a break from my shit. Being best friends doesn't mean you can't have boundaries.

I'm going to be better.

IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject