asmywitness | IC Inbox

Is it something I need to know, or is it something you need to tell someone before you implode overthinking it?

More the latter.

Technically my therapist knows but he doesn't count because therapist. I need to tell someone who's not obligated to listen to me in order to fix my head.

[steven please]

Alright, hit me. What's Jack's latest atrocity?

It's not his latest atrocity. It happened before he ever showed up here. Years ago.

Okay. But. Here's the thing: Jack's daughter is one of the people who are dead in their world and I just found out (six days ago) that he likely drove her to become suicidal. I don't know any details. Armin would have to get his girlfriend's permission for that. I just.

I don't know. I'm so fucked up about this. I don't know why I'm upset about this when him trying to murder all the squatters on Pandora didn't upset me like this.

Because you don't give a rat's ass about some random hobos on some distant planet in the distant future, but you're emotionally invested in your very present potential daughter-in-law. That's not a difficult question.

Yes. Fuck. You're right.

Just. Shit. This kind of thing should be a deal breaker. It's not. I'm upset at him about it. But it's not. I don't want to leave him yet. But I don't think I love him as much as I used to.

I don't think he's *noticed* I don't.

I mean, I doubt you're above doing that to someone either, looking at your hobbies. So you either can't or won't be mad about that specifically. The problem is that he did it to someone you'd consider to be One Of His People, which is absolutely off-limits for you.

Yes.

Yes, fuck, that's exactly it. How could you do that to your own person? Fuck other people, you're supposed to protect them.

You're not supposed to hurt them. You're not supposed to make them so miserable they they would rather die if it gets them away from you.

About the most benign scenario is that he was just controlling as hell after she reached puberty. The likeliest scenario is that he kept her in isolation for her protection and she cracked for lack of seeing anyone else. The worst case scenario is Munchausen by-proxy.

I keep going through all of them in my head.

You're not gonna get an answer from me, dude. Either confront Jack or Angel about it or let it go, because you're clearly going to go insane if you stay stuck on it.

If it's not a deal breaker, then take a long hard look at what you're signing up for and if you can stand finding out more shit like this in the future. I don't doubt Jack has more shit like that he's keeping from you just because it probably doesn't occur to him that it's something that he should share.

That's the thing. I don't know if I *can* deal with finding out he's done anything else like this. Specifically to someone that's His Person.

I. Fuck. Maybe I should figure out an exit strategy in case there is a deal breaker someday.

I mean, personally I wouldn't go into marriage with someone that I feel like I'm ready to drop like a fucking rotten potato at the first sign of an incoming shitshow.

Fuck, you're probably right.

Here I was telling myself it was a traditional marriage now. You know, for property, not love.

What property? We're all illegal immigrants, we don't have any legal capital here. Jack can't give you anything you can't just earn yourself.

That's true.

(I've been purposely forgetting about that because I fucking HATE being an illegal again. It was bad enough those two months between Arcadia and here.)

I hate how complicated and fucked up this is. Everything was easier when I could just. Fuck. I don't know. Adore him, I guess.

Mindless servitude isn't a good look on you, Steven. Be thankful you have the opportunity to look at your situation objectively for once.

Jesus fucking Christ, Tyler, I was his BOYFRIEND not his slave.

Am his boyfriend.

Jesus *Christ*. You're as bad as Thace.

Are his fiance. And despite your circumstances, a hopeless romantic. This is the most critical you've ever been to my face about Jack and you're still trying to defend him.

I'm not *supposed* to be. A romantic. I learned better after that fucker Liam.

There's a fucking reason I never slept with the same man twice between him and Jack.

And yet.

Look, I wasn't planning on making it a repeat with him. I wasn't even planning on staying the night. But the thought of sleeping at HQ gave me hives and he'd been fun and one thing led to another and, look, you don't know what it's like, being like me and never having *anyone* who understood until him.

And just because I fell in love with the first man ever to want me for the violent, vicious predator that I *am* doesn't mean I'm a hopeless romantic. It means I like being liked for *me*. Doesn't everyone like being liked for themselves?

Just because I liked doing all that sappy shit with him and it makes me feel so good the rare times I can give him things (instead of the other way around) and it always gave me a pleasant shiver down my spine every time Hythlo used to call him my 'husband' before I even asked him to get married and I deliberately asked him to on our six month anniversary so we could get married on our year anniversary and--

Fuck.

FUCK.

I hate you, Tyler. I fucking hate you. My fucking GOD.

This was why I swore off love. Fuck. I'm as bad as Charley. I only have two modes: forget their names by morning and draw little hearts with our initials on them in the margins of my notes. I fucking HATES this.

God fucking *damn it*.

I'll stop being right when you stop being predictable.

Everything might have been easier before, but your rose-tinted glasses weren't letting you see the blood on his hands. I know you knew it objectively, but suddenly it's personal and now the glasses crack and there's no going back to how it was before.

Just be careful, I guess. You're a big boy but I'd still rather not hear you got dead because of him too.

I'm *going* to be careful, okay? I am well fucking aware what a delicate solution this is.

I'm talking to Lydia about it too. Because I owed her an apology and a half. Six months ago she tried to tell me that Jack was taking advantage of my feelings and I didn't listen.

From how you've described it, it doesn't seem like active manipulation as much as it just didn't occur to Jack to tell you for some reason or another. Why would he, really, when he's got someone so ready to stroke his ego with no prompting.

[He's not trying to be nasty about it; for Tyler this is a very matter of fact way of putting it. ~~If he was mad he'd be making it a personal attack on Steven.~~]

UGH.

I hate how fucking accurate that description is.

(But you're right that it was far more Jack taking advantage than actively manipulating me, but somehow I don't think qualifying that will make people any less willing to throw down with him over me. Which is fucking appalling and I don't know why they think I'm worth it.)

I wouldn't. Not that you're not worth it, but I've been staying neatly out of your psychopath fiance's lane for a reason and I don't plan on breaking my streak for something you can solve yourself, for all intents and purposes.

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