Tyler Tian Huang | 黄泰勒田 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
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[[Tyler screens his calls - anyone who tries to actually call him, he'll text back in reply.]]
[Dirk thought he was enough of an actually functional human being to tell him to his face. Should he be throwing confetti around for such a momentous occasion?]
Eidetic memory, I couldn't fucking forget them if I wanted to.
[Which is half true. The eidetic thing for sure, but time stamps certainly helped line things up better.]
Steven's a smart guy but he doesn't know how to let go of a grudge. Not that I'm much better, but I don't showboat how much I hate someone as a defining feature of conversation.
Eidetic memory, I couldn't fucking forget them if I wanted to.
[Which is half true. The eidetic thing for sure, but time stamps certainly helped line things up better.]
Steven's a smart guy but he doesn't know how to let go of a grudge. Not that I'm much better, but I don't showboat how much I hate someone as a defining feature of conversation.
[It's all a lot right now: but it's the look of genuine empathy and Solus's gentle words that get tears to suddenly well thickly in Tyler's eyes, and he looks away quickly to try and save face, clenching his jaw to try and keep them from spilling over.
It takes him more than a few seconds to calm down enough to feel comfortable looking directly into the camera again; but he hasn't actually wiped them away, he just sort of brute forced not crying.]
My earlier assessment of you reminding us of a Keeper isn't inaccurate, but it... takes a different angle now. For the ones who get kidnapped and tempered, and don't escape, eventually they become fully realised Lords themselves and perpetuate the cycle. While it's much of a muchness in the grand scheme, it does change what exactly I see you as.
[Still cruel, and manipulative, but pitiable for all of it.]
It takes him more than a few seconds to calm down enough to feel comfortable looking directly into the camera again; but he hasn't actually wiped them away, he just sort of brute forced not crying.]
My earlier assessment of you reminding us of a Keeper isn't inaccurate, but it... takes a different angle now. For the ones who get kidnapped and tempered, and don't escape, eventually they become fully realised Lords themselves and perpetuate the cycle. While it's much of a muchness in the grand scheme, it does change what exactly I see you as.
[Still cruel, and manipulative, but pitiable for all of it.]
Yeah, he pretty much turns his grudge into the entire story and forgets the rest. Then he gets the same way about the shit he does like. Like he can't go three sentences without bringing up Jack.
[It's actually a little frustrating because he's a quick study, so I can tell he's fairly perceptive.]
[It's actually a little frustrating because he's a quick study, so I can tell he's fairly perceptive.]
Lydia commented on that too, actually.
I'm not saying Steven's in the right for sending everyone to annoyance with his rant habits, but he didn't have much of a chance to exercise it before he got sucked into this place. He'll probably chill out about it soon enough. Or at least realise everyone's sick of it and start filtering appropriately. I'm pretty sure both of us have spent longer here than we did in our home world actually as Changelings.
I'm not saying Steven's in the right for sending everyone to annoyance with his rant habits, but he didn't have much of a chance to exercise it before he got sucked into this place. He'll probably chill out about it soon enough. Or at least realise everyone's sick of it and start filtering appropriately. I'm pretty sure both of us have spent longer here than we did in our home world actually as Changelings.
What, you didn't see the other one earlier? He made a network post about Solus falling down the stairs.
[The tears that threaten to fall as they form in Tyler's eyes, how he pulls away to save face and collect himself...all of it honestly makes Solus' heart hurt for him. Ever has he been an empath, never has such emotional sensitivity stopped for him. Even after all these millennia, but such things are especially impacting when he has some measure of investment in the person.
He...would hesitate to say he cares for Tyler, but he does not hate him, hell, he doesn't even dislike him, despite everything. Pity. He pities him, as he does...all mortals. They are fragile beings, unable to take the strain that the eternal can, regardless of what resilience they might boast. All of it is but a moment of brilliance, of defiance, and then they're gone.
Theirs are truly tragic existences, and he despairs over them when left to contemplate their lot overlong.
Once Tyler regains himself, and speaks once more, Solus watches him with that gentle and understanding gaze. Nodding similarly.]
I suppose that is fair. Though I disagree that I am like those fae—I labor for a goal outside of my own amusement or entertainment. Naught that I do is for simple pleasures, or to perpetuate aught at all, quite contrary. I do not delight in this destruction.
[His mouth thins to a line, his own jaw tightening as he swallows a little thickly.]
If I could walk a path of lesser tragedy, one without bloodshed, I would not hesitate. I have searched for eons for another way, for any means that I could achieve my goals without the cost of countless lives. Time and again I have failed, but I must press on. For the sake of not only my people, but for the stability of my reality.
If this still makes me a fiend, then so be it, but I would not have you or any other think I do this out of some twisted joy or amusement. I labor to bring about a world that would end suffering. A world where there is no need of heroes.
He...would hesitate to say he cares for Tyler, but he does not hate him, hell, he doesn't even dislike him, despite everything. Pity. He pities him, as he does...all mortals. They are fragile beings, unable to take the strain that the eternal can, regardless of what resilience they might boast. All of it is but a moment of brilliance, of defiance, and then they're gone.
Theirs are truly tragic existences, and he despairs over them when left to contemplate their lot overlong.
Once Tyler regains himself, and speaks once more, Solus watches him with that gentle and understanding gaze. Nodding similarly.]
I suppose that is fair. Though I disagree that I am like those fae—I labor for a goal outside of my own amusement or entertainment. Naught that I do is for simple pleasures, or to perpetuate aught at all, quite contrary. I do not delight in this destruction.
[His mouth thins to a line, his own jaw tightening as he swallows a little thickly.]
If I could walk a path of lesser tragedy, one without bloodshed, I would not hesitate. I have searched for eons for another way, for any means that I could achieve my goals without the cost of countless lives. Time and again I have failed, but I must press on. For the sake of not only my people, but for the stability of my reality.
If this still makes me a fiend, then so be it, but I would not have you or any other think I do this out of some twisted joy or amusement. I labor to bring about a world that would end suffering. A world where there is no need of heroes.
Edited 2020-06-20 08:42 (UTC)
Until you explained your motives properly, and I was... willing to engage with you for it [--yes solus explained it before but tyler was being dumb and he can admit it, even if that's embarrassing--] then I had little reason to believe you weren't being as genuinely capricious as them. I'm currently learning better.
[He is listening, and he's doing his best to understand Solus's radically different worldview; but cynicism has always run strongly through him, even before his durance, and he can't help but think how fundamentally unachievable Solus's goal is. That whether it was Zodiark making him, or his own volition in trying to "fix" things, it's simply unattainable.
Or at the very least, incompatible with Tyler's own understanding of the world. Not that it'll make any positive headway in the conversation to bring it up, let alone attempt to debate the concept.]
I'm rather fed up with black and white stories of heroes and monsters, myself, so I do understand the sentiment in as much as that. [Which is, yes, bringing it up, but understating it (and deliberately misinterpreting it, to some extent) doesn't count. He's fairly certain Solus knows he understands the point.] But I think the sheer scale is going to be something that will remain difficult for people to come to terms with. It's one thing to say it of a friendship group or a single community, but millions of years, billions or even trillions of lives, that's... [His hands shift, fingers wring idly - a genuine moment of consideration as to how to describe it, not emotional hesitation.] ...willingly or not, to knowingly commit so many people to death, for the cause of something so... historically unattainable, is something that most mortals won't be able to think kindly towards, if they can even comprehend that magnitude of scale. Even knowing your story as much as you're willing to share, and actively working towards understanding your perspective, part of me still can't help but revile the idea.
[None of it is said with any revulsion on his face, though, no sharp flicks of his hands that come with his unconscious distaste or flared temper. His signs have remained calm and clear, particularly after his moment of intense thought partway through. He's sure Solus has already long since established what humans - mortals - think of his methods, but if part of this was supposed to be acknowledging their own biases then it bore repeating that he knew he would always be victim to his own.]
[He is listening, and he's doing his best to understand Solus's radically different worldview; but cynicism has always run strongly through him, even before his durance, and he can't help but think how fundamentally unachievable Solus's goal is. That whether it was Zodiark making him, or his own volition in trying to "fix" things, it's simply unattainable.
Or at the very least, incompatible with Tyler's own understanding of the world. Not that it'll make any positive headway in the conversation to bring it up, let alone attempt to debate the concept.]
I'm rather fed up with black and white stories of heroes and monsters, myself, so I do understand the sentiment in as much as that. [Which is, yes, bringing it up, but understating it (and deliberately misinterpreting it, to some extent) doesn't count. He's fairly certain Solus knows he understands the point.] But I think the sheer scale is going to be something that will remain difficult for people to come to terms with. It's one thing to say it of a friendship group or a single community, but millions of years, billions or even trillions of lives, that's... [His hands shift, fingers wring idly - a genuine moment of consideration as to how to describe it, not emotional hesitation.] ...willingly or not, to knowingly commit so many people to death, for the cause of something so... historically unattainable, is something that most mortals won't be able to think kindly towards, if they can even comprehend that magnitude of scale. Even knowing your story as much as you're willing to share, and actively working towards understanding your perspective, part of me still can't help but revile the idea.
[None of it is said with any revulsion on his face, though, no sharp flicks of his hands that come with his unconscious distaste or flared temper. His signs have remained calm and clear, particularly after his moment of intense thought partway through. He's sure Solus has already long since established what humans - mortals - think of his methods, but if part of this was supposed to be acknowledging their own biases then it bore repeating that he knew he would always be victim to his own.]
Edited 2020-06-20 11:35 (UTC)
do you want to do a switch to brief action for the sake of tyler reacting to this?
fingersandteeth
2020-06-20 12:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Great.
Let's meet in front of Fight Club before we head out.
Let's meet in front of Fight Club before we head out.
No! My God, no. I spent most of the time since we got back from the first trip to Azalea quickly teaching myself sound-editing and then actually *doing* that sound editing--and since *then* I've been working on a podcast and setting up a patratreon. Between that and all that last minute shit for Fight Club and not neglecting Jack completely, I didn't have *time* to look at all these messages from non-team random newbies, especially when initially glancing at the screenshots attached told me they were no one I knew from home.
I mean, I figured if there was anything I needed to know--like that Solus has a goddamn buddy who likes fucking *hugs*--someone would have told me!
Okay. Shit. Fuck. Give me a minute. I've got... oh god, how many fucking minutes of video messages on *in* these posts?
I mean, I figured if there was anything I needed to know--like that Solus has a goddamn buddy who likes fucking *hugs*--someone would have told me!
Okay. Shit. Fuck. Give me a minute. I've got... oh god, how many fucking minutes of video messages on *in* these posts?
Edited 2020-06-20 13:09 (UTC)
Sure thing.
That's right in front of his apartment, after all, it means he can be outside in the mid-afternoon sun with Ox already saddled up by the time Steven gets there. Isis's crest feather flicks up when he does, and she peeps at him happily, making Ox rumble as well and finally drawing Tyler's own attention from double-checking the straps.
Tyler himself just smiles and waves.
That's right in front of his apartment, after all, it means he can be outside in the mid-afternoon sun with Ox already saddled up by the time Steven gets there. Isis's crest feather flicks up when he does, and she peeps at him happily, making Ox rumble as well and finally drawing Tyler's own attention from double-checking the straps.
Tyler himself just smiles and waves.
Edited 2020-06-20 13:32 (UTC)
...there's a lot to unpack here, firstly don't go taking literally every single conversation at once or you'll give yourself a conniption.
Secondly why did he hug you??
Secondly why did he hug you??
Steven waves back and then his hands start moving in very familiar ways.
So should I ride pinion or have El Diablo (he uses the sign for 'devil' + 'green' in this case) carry me while following you?
He's grinning so damn widely.
Also surprise! Lydia was in a good enough temper after we talked about the stairs and Changeling bullshit that she and Allure helped stuff this in my head. Psychic Pokemon are great.
So should I ride pinion or have El Diablo (he uses the sign for 'devil' + 'green' in this case) carry me while following you?
He's grinning so damn widely.
Also surprise! Lydia was in a good enough temper after we talked about the stairs and Changeling bullshit that she and Allure helped stuff this in my head. Psychic Pokemon are great.
Tyler's eyes light up, and Isis actually turns to look at him with how suddenly there's a huge grin on his face too.
It's not riding El Diablo, (and he mimics Steven's sign perfectly) it's letting yourself get thrown around like a ragdoll. You can ride pinion.
Wow he is... unexpectedly touched by this. Holy shit. They're pretty amazing.
It's not riding El Diablo, (and he mimics Steven's sign perfectly) it's letting yourself get thrown around like a ragdoll. You can ride pinion.
Wow he is... unexpectedly touched by this. Holy shit. They're pretty amazing.
Edited 2020-06-20 14:18 (UTC)
Not all of us have fucking huge dinosaurs, Steven signs back amiably. I work with who I've got. But yeah. I've wanted to learn but you weren't kidding about how long it takes normally. So I'm glad they could help.
I should know, it's only my native language. There's no spite though, he's still too happy about Steven actually learning it just for him. Maybe you should get yourself a fucking huge dinosaur, you know you love him.
Ox, whose head alone is nearly as tall as Steven, plods sedately forward to nuzzle the other Changeling's torso with an affectionate rumble.
Ox, whose head alone is nearly as tall as Steven, plods sedately forward to nuzzle the other Changeling's torso with an affectionate rumble.
[Solus hesitates a moment, though there is a slight flash of...something behind his eyes when Tyler implies that it is unattainable. It's not anger, not quite, but something adjacent, something...frustrated, yet also desperate. Something in denial. It's only for a moment, before his expression maintains that placid and somber look.
Slowly, he shakes his head, looking a touch disappointed, but nothing horribly judgmental. Idly he wonders if he can truly get this through to Tyler, or if he will be like other mortals and fail to see the bigger picture.]
What I seek is not unattainable, for it was the very world I had once lived in. I know for an absolute fact such a reality can and has existed, viewed thus it can once more.
[His movements are slow and very deliberate, like someone speaking gently or cautiously. After all, he realizes his thoughts on the matter do clash greatly with the mortal view and understanding of the world, and this is a fragile thing. Little does he wish to break apart what has been barely been restored between he and Tyler. Something that will never quite be as good as it could have been if not for their terrible encounters in the first place...but better than it has been.]
I understand that what I seek to do seems cruel or unfair to mortals, and little would I do any of this if it were not necessary. However, in the grand scheme of things, beyond the individual deaths that might occur through each Rejoining me and mine invoke, one must truly look beyond that. Just as my people gave up seventy-five percent of their remaining lives so that a quarter could survive—for otherwise we would all perish—these deaths would ensure not only that further tragedy could not continue unabated...but that should there be rise of another crisis, that we would face true annihilation once more, it could be prevented.
As I stated, we still know not what caused our doom, and mortals are utterly incapable of even what our infants could achieve—I do not say this as a churlish insult, merely undeniable fact. With that in mind, we are no closer to figuring out the source of such an event, for all we could do ere the great sundering, was stop a symptom. Not the problem itself. Should reality continue as it is, all life could very well be eliminated.
The world, reality, all people left divided as they are cannot weather such a cataclysmic event, when they can barely survive the calamities we ascians bring in order to restore aught how it should be. For the momentary mass death we would have to cause, it would prevent further loss of life. It would bring far better security, far better preservation of life and existence as a whole.
Slowly, he shakes his head, looking a touch disappointed, but nothing horribly judgmental. Idly he wonders if he can truly get this through to Tyler, or if he will be like other mortals and fail to see the bigger picture.]
What I seek is not unattainable, for it was the very world I had once lived in. I know for an absolute fact such a reality can and has existed, viewed thus it can once more.
[His movements are slow and very deliberate, like someone speaking gently or cautiously. After all, he realizes his thoughts on the matter do clash greatly with the mortal view and understanding of the world, and this is a fragile thing. Little does he wish to break apart what has been barely been restored between he and Tyler. Something that will never quite be as good as it could have been if not for their terrible encounters in the first place...but better than it has been.]
I understand that what I seek to do seems cruel or unfair to mortals, and little would I do any of this if it were not necessary. However, in the grand scheme of things, beyond the individual deaths that might occur through each Rejoining me and mine invoke, one must truly look beyond that. Just as my people gave up seventy-five percent of their remaining lives so that a quarter could survive—for otherwise we would all perish—these deaths would ensure not only that further tragedy could not continue unabated...but that should there be rise of another crisis, that we would face true annihilation once more, it could be prevented.
As I stated, we still know not what caused our doom, and mortals are utterly incapable of even what our infants could achieve—I do not say this as a churlish insult, merely undeniable fact. With that in mind, we are no closer to figuring out the source of such an event, for all we could do ere the great sundering, was stop a symptom. Not the problem itself. Should reality continue as it is, all life could very well be eliminated.
The world, reality, all people left divided as they are cannot weather such a cataclysmic event, when they can barely survive the calamities we ascians bring in order to restore aught how it should be. For the momentary mass death we would have to cause, it would prevent further loss of life. It would bring far better security, far better preservation of life and existence as a whole.
Edited 2020-06-20 16:15 (UTC)
[It remains hard not to be at least a little bit offended at being compared to children; even if Solus means it as non-offensively as possible, he still rankles for a moment, but a quiet breath soothes that particular burr well enough.]
I would like to clarify first that I do, objectively understand that sacrifice is necessary in order to force a path towards peace or success. That it is required for your methodology to function at its most effective. That I have no concept of a literal universe being forcibly divided in a manner that can only worsen over time, and that you do, with all apparent sincerity [no offense solus but] believe that your means are your only option.
These are the facts as you have presented them to me, and I can understand them logically.
This does not mean that I am able to comprehend them emotionally. Killing six people very nearly broke me completely - I cannot bring myself to think of doing it to more, to condemn entire countries, worlds, to death, without the threat of guilt utterly consuming me. Few with anything even remotely similar to my experience would be able to, and fewer still would agree out of hand.
The way you talk about mortals... [His hands slow a little; his turn to be cautious, now.] You are fond of us - you genuinely care about us, at times - but there's a sense of... detachment, when you do. You quite obviously don't see us as being anywhere near the same level as yourself, but you talk about us almost like animals. I know I may be misinterpreting, so I apologise, but it gives the impression you don't see us as fully sentient, in a way. It makes it... difficult, to therefore gauge how much of humanity's traits require explaining, but the topic at hand necessitates a reminder, here: mortals, quite literally, cannot comprehend the scale of death that you work on. The grief of a single death can lay most people low enough as is, but our minds, in every sense of the word, are not equipped to handle it. We grieve, we rage, we pretend it didn't happen, because if we were to genuinely understand something even remotely close to that level of loss, we would go completely mad. There is an irreconcilable chasm between heart and mind that we cannot bridge, for our own sanity. And the few that do are not considered 'well'.
[Tyler has, and he knows he has underlying PTSD he should probably be working on.]
I would like to clarify first that I do, objectively understand that sacrifice is necessary in order to force a path towards peace or success. That it is required for your methodology to function at its most effective. That I have no concept of a literal universe being forcibly divided in a manner that can only worsen over time, and that you do, with all apparent sincerity [no offense solus but] believe that your means are your only option.
These are the facts as you have presented them to me, and I can understand them logically.
This does not mean that I am able to comprehend them emotionally. Killing six people very nearly broke me completely - I cannot bring myself to think of doing it to more, to condemn entire countries, worlds, to death, without the threat of guilt utterly consuming me. Few with anything even remotely similar to my experience would be able to, and fewer still would agree out of hand.
The way you talk about mortals... [His hands slow a little; his turn to be cautious, now.] You are fond of us - you genuinely care about us, at times - but there's a sense of... detachment, when you do. You quite obviously don't see us as being anywhere near the same level as yourself, but you talk about us almost like animals. I know I may be misinterpreting, so I apologise, but it gives the impression you don't see us as fully sentient, in a way. It makes it... difficult, to therefore gauge how much of humanity's traits require explaining, but the topic at hand necessitates a reminder, here: mortals, quite literally, cannot comprehend the scale of death that you work on. The grief of a single death can lay most people low enough as is, but our minds, in every sense of the word, are not equipped to handle it. We grieve, we rage, we pretend it didn't happen, because if we were to genuinely understand something even remotely close to that level of loss, we would go completely mad. There is an irreconcilable chasm between heart and mind that we cannot bridge, for our own sanity. And the few that do are not considered 'well'.
[Tyler has, and he knows he has underlying PTSD he should probably be working on.]
... you know what? I'll sign it to you. Gimme a second. I just got home, but I need to prop the gear up somewhere.
A minute or two later, Tyler will get a video call and when he answers it, he'll see that Steven in the kitchen of Jack's house.
Okay. So. This giant man in the park on the way home asks me for food and something to drink. You know I always keep snacks in my briefcase so I give him water and a granola bar. He gives me a banana from his tropius. I don't know why he didn't just eat the banana. We get to talking. For reasons that aren't important I offer to buy him a magnet train pass so he can go to Saffron and try to get work with Silph Co.
He mentions that Solus is his BFF. I react how you'd expect. He asks if he needs to mediate things between us. I told him that it wouldn't work unless it was to get Solus to leave us alone for good and told him that he'd been stalking and harassing us and I had to get physical once to make him leave us alone.
He then called me on throwing Solus down the stairs. Which. Threw me for a fucking loop. And I said I was only going to shove past him but he said something creepy about you, which he did. And then he scolded me for doing it and asked how I'd have felt if Solus died and I said 'very stupid' even though the real answer was 'thoroughly satisfied' and then that fucking almost-Lord hugged me. Steven's hand movements have gone all stuttery. He's obviously upset. And I let him because— fuck, I don't know. And then he said you and I need to go to therapy.
Steven's disgust with that idea is obvious in his expression.
Which is just. No. Therapy doesn't work unless you're honest with them and I can't be when I'm a fucking Pokemon mobster. Not to mention, you know, the rest of it.
A minute or two later, Tyler will get a video call and when he answers it, he'll see that Steven in the kitchen of Jack's house.
Okay. So. This giant man in the park on the way home asks me for food and something to drink. You know I always keep snacks in my briefcase so I give him water and a granola bar. He gives me a banana from his tropius. I don't know why he didn't just eat the banana. We get to talking. For reasons that aren't important I offer to buy him a magnet train pass so he can go to Saffron and try to get work with Silph Co.
He mentions that Solus is his BFF. I react how you'd expect. He asks if he needs to mediate things between us. I told him that it wouldn't work unless it was to get Solus to leave us alone for good and told him that he'd been stalking and harassing us and I had to get physical once to make him leave us alone.
He then called me on throwing Solus down the stairs. Which. Threw me for a fucking loop. And I said I was only going to shove past him but he said something creepy about you, which he did. And then he scolded me for doing it and asked how I'd have felt if Solus died and I said 'very stupid' even though the real answer was 'thoroughly satisfied' and then that fucking almost-Lord hugged me. Steven's hand movements have gone all stuttery. He's obviously upset. And I let him because— fuck, I don't know. And then he said you and I need to go to therapy.
Steven's disgust with that idea is obvious in his expression.
Which is just. No. Therapy doesn't work unless you're honest with them and I can't be when I'm a fucking Pokemon mobster. Not to mention, you know, the rest of it.
Steven pets his head, before pulling his hands back to say, What I really want is a Golurk. You can teach them fly and how cool would it be to be carried around by a nine foot tall robot ghost?
I mean, we definitely do need therapy, we're just not willing to. Separate problems - and not actually relevant, sorry. Disregard.
They're both heavily traumatised individuals who could stand to benefit from it: but Tyler was too reticent to discuss personal issues, and Steven had Therapist Issues. It was never going to happen for either of them, even without the Rocket stuff.
Look - if he threw you for a loop, after you've already pegged him as another Lord, of course you're going to acquiesce automatically. It's the same reason I let Solus loom over me and touch me, you don't know how they're going to react in the negative and your brain goes for the only other scenario it's happened. Stay still, be quiet, maybe it'll be over sooner than later if you don't fight them over something so fleeting.
I'm sure I'm not the only person that mentioned how Solus got shoved down the stairs, when the guy asked on the network, but I didn't implicate you specifically, not at all. He just heard both sides of the story and made a logical jump when you said you hurt Solus.
They're both heavily traumatised individuals who could stand to benefit from it: but Tyler was too reticent to discuss personal issues, and Steven had Therapist Issues. It was never going to happen for either of them, even without the Rocket stuff.
Look - if he threw you for a loop, after you've already pegged him as another Lord, of course you're going to acquiesce automatically. It's the same reason I let Solus loom over me and touch me, you don't know how they're going to react in the negative and your brain goes for the only other scenario it's happened. Stay still, be quiet, maybe it'll be over sooner than later if you don't fight them over something so fleeting.
I'm sure I'm not the only person that mentioned how Solus got shoved down the stairs, when the guy asked on the network, but I didn't implicate you specifically, not at all. He just heard both sides of the story and made a logical jump when you said you hurt Solus.
Do you think we were any more equipped? Do you think an eternal being like me incapable of heartbreak? Do you honestly think we do not grieve the loss of our loved ones? That we likewise do not succumb to our fury, our anguish? That I did not decry Hydaelyn and her ilk for all She took from me? Friends, families, loves...I lost them all.
[It isn't signed in any way that would seem short or angry. Still, he upholds that somber sincerity, even if he looks a little off-put by the implication that somehow he would grieve differently. Like he would feel less about any of this than a mortal could.
Mortals are a fraction of what he and his were, in all aspects. Every piece that makes someone an individual: strength, intelligence, emotion...all of that is a fraction of what a being like him is.]
Mortals are not special in this regard, for we immortals were never meant to suffer loss in the way you mortals are designed with your fragile lives. Our deaths were planned, chosen, naught abrupt about it, ere that crisis we had never faced tragedy. Furthermore, we view both the past and present as one whole—the scale in which we experience time is fair different than what one such as you would. Be it a hundred or a thousand years, I can recall it all as clearly as though it were mere moments ago. While I know the passing of time, eternal beings such as myself operate far differently in such regards.
[Which, if anything, says much and more about his current state of grief... Though, he also seems to be pointedly avoiding the topic of whether or not he cares about mortals. He knows he...sometimes has a lapse in judgment, allows himself to get attached when he shouldn't. Sometimes gets overly fond of them, when it's a foolish endeavor. When he knows, that even if they are not killed in the calamities, they will die regardless. It's only asking to get hurt, to suffer more loss.
Perhaps he has not succumb to his grief due to having to keep busy, due to the work he does all for his people. For Zodiark.]
However, I would not quite place you on the same level of beasts. Yet, you are not complete beings, nor can you live truly full lives. Well do I know the rules of my reality are not the rules of yours, but from what I have come to understand it is tragically equivalent. With this in mind, I find myself viewing the mortals of other worlds and those from mine much the same.
I am able to do what must needs be done with these facts in mind, for it is less that I am taking life, and more that I am restoring it. A fragmented soul might live a thousand lives, but so too will it die a thousand deaths—while a whole soul could live far longer, nigh endlessly, and their demise would be one of choice, not tragedy. One of satisfaction, not regret.
Far less grief, far less suffering. I do not expect you to be able to comprehend all of this within moments of its presentation to you, for it even took one such as I a great measure of time to make peace with it. But, that you can see the logic behind it, and objectively understand its necessity—such puts you well above most mortals.
[It isn't signed in any way that would seem short or angry. Still, he upholds that somber sincerity, even if he looks a little off-put by the implication that somehow he would grieve differently. Like he would feel less about any of this than a mortal could.
Mortals are a fraction of what he and his were, in all aspects. Every piece that makes someone an individual: strength, intelligence, emotion...all of that is a fraction of what a being like him is.]
Mortals are not special in this regard, for we immortals were never meant to suffer loss in the way you mortals are designed with your fragile lives. Our deaths were planned, chosen, naught abrupt about it, ere that crisis we had never faced tragedy. Furthermore, we view both the past and present as one whole—the scale in which we experience time is fair different than what one such as you would. Be it a hundred or a thousand years, I can recall it all as clearly as though it were mere moments ago. While I know the passing of time, eternal beings such as myself operate far differently in such regards.
[Which, if anything, says much and more about his current state of grief... Though, he also seems to be pointedly avoiding the topic of whether or not he cares about mortals. He knows he...sometimes has a lapse in judgment, allows himself to get attached when he shouldn't. Sometimes gets overly fond of them, when it's a foolish endeavor. When he knows, that even if they are not killed in the calamities, they will die regardless. It's only asking to get hurt, to suffer more loss.
Perhaps he has not succumb to his grief due to having to keep busy, due to the work he does all for his people. For Zodiark.]
However, I would not quite place you on the same level of beasts. Yet, you are not complete beings, nor can you live truly full lives. Well do I know the rules of my reality are not the rules of yours, but from what I have come to understand it is tragically equivalent. With this in mind, I find myself viewing the mortals of other worlds and those from mine much the same.
I am able to do what must needs be done with these facts in mind, for it is less that I am taking life, and more that I am restoring it. A fragmented soul might live a thousand lives, but so too will it die a thousand deaths—while a whole soul could live far longer, nigh endlessly, and their demise would be one of choice, not tragedy. One of satisfaction, not regret.
Far less grief, far less suffering. I do not expect you to be able to comprehend all of this within moments of its presentation to you, for it even took one such as I a great measure of time to make peace with it. But, that you can see the logic behind it, and objectively understand its necessity—such puts you well above most mortals.
Edited 2020-06-21 07:37 (UTC)
No. I mean. That's covered in the rest of it-- he starts to sign, even as Tyler doing the same.
But then he sighs and drops his hands for the rest of Tyler's reply, wincing at the description of why he'd submitted to Hythlodaeus' hug.
I. Yes. Fuck. That's-- a good description of how it felt. I know what I went through was nothing as bad as what you did, but.
I mean. The good thing was that I barely saw him, unless it was a match day. But on those days... I always felt so slimy, after it was over. Especially because... I mean, it was me that was taking their... energy? Vitality? Both? I mean. It was by my hand--literally by my hand--but he liked to... guide it. With his own. And, well, you know how it is. In the moment, it feels good.
He lets out a shuddering breath.
God. I still feel dirty, thinking about it. I don't know how any of them forgave me, much less all five. I mean, Polly's a sweetheart, I get it with her, but Abner fucking runs on spite and even he...
Is it awful that as much as I do like and care for them--they're my friends, they're my charges, they're my ad-hoc motley--I'm glad they're not here? I mean, they'd probably be happier here than back in our world--I know I am--but it's such a goddamn fucking relief to be somewhere where I haven't hurt every single one of the people I have left and liked it.
I mean. We both know the kind of person I am. But it's different when it's your people.
But then he sighs and drops his hands for the rest of Tyler's reply, wincing at the description of why he'd submitted to Hythlodaeus' hug.
I. Yes. Fuck. That's-- a good description of how it felt. I know what I went through was nothing as bad as what you did, but.
I mean. The good thing was that I barely saw him, unless it was a match day. But on those days... I always felt so slimy, after it was over. Especially because... I mean, it was me that was taking their... energy? Vitality? Both? I mean. It was by my hand--literally by my hand--but he liked to... guide it. With his own. And, well, you know how it is. In the moment, it feels good.
He lets out a shuddering breath.
God. I still feel dirty, thinking about it. I don't know how any of them forgave me, much less all five. I mean, Polly's a sweetheart, I get it with her, but Abner fucking runs on spite and even he...
Is it awful that as much as I do like and care for them--they're my friends, they're my charges, they're my ad-hoc motley--I'm glad they're not here? I mean, they'd probably be happier here than back in our world--I know I am--but it's such a goddamn fucking relief to be somewhere where I haven't hurt every single one of the people I have left and liked it.
I mean. We both know the kind of person I am. But it's different when it's your people.
You've got to stop comparing your Durance to mine. It's not anger that he says it with, it's more... exasperated and impatient. They both suck, we both got fucked up and you're the one person who I'm not going to use it for a pissing contest with, so just...
His hands falter, and he glances away, grimacing gently before he returns his focus to the camera. His movements have a carefully curated patience to them. I understand that you're trying not to be dismissive of mine when you talk about yours, but it just makes you sound dismissive of yours, and makes me feel like an asshole for existing. And honestly, that's not any better.
He continues again a few seconds later, more naturally.
But yeah, it fucking sucks to still be with the people you were in there with. It's like... they know it's not your fault, but you still felt good about hurting them. You got rewarded for it. And when it happens, when you get that reward, it's only worth it until it's over, and then you're just stuck with having made your friends suffer and they don't even blame you for being so selfish about it.
His hands are shaking a little by the end, and he balls them into tight fists for a moment until the sensation passes.
I couldn't stand living with Mai when we got out. It's not that I don't love her, or that- I didn't want to escape with her, but. It was... hard. Knowing that she didn't know it was all my fault. It felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never did.
His hands falter, and he glances away, grimacing gently before he returns his focus to the camera. His movements have a carefully curated patience to them. I understand that you're trying not to be dismissive of mine when you talk about yours, but it just makes you sound dismissive of yours, and makes me feel like an asshole for existing. And honestly, that's not any better.
He continues again a few seconds later, more naturally.
But yeah, it fucking sucks to still be with the people you were in there with. It's like... they know it's not your fault, but you still felt good about hurting them. You got rewarded for it. And when it happens, when you get that reward, it's only worth it until it's over, and then you're just stuck with having made your friends suffer and they don't even blame you for being so selfish about it.
His hands are shaking a little by the end, and he balls them into tight fists for a moment until the sensation passes.
I couldn't stand living with Mai when we got out. It's not that I don't love her, or that- I didn't want to escape with her, but. It was... hard. Knowing that she didn't know it was all my fault. It felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it never did.
Oh, he says. Sorry.
He looks down at his hands, then back up at Tyler.
It's— hard. To still be with them. But the truth is, I wouldn't have left on my own. I didn't deserve to. Polly was the one who insisted I come along. She picked me up and carried me. Well. She's an Ogre. She can do that. And I let her because... Well. Ogre. And I guess I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her.
She knows—they all know now—how it felt for me. That I liked it. I told them. Well. Yelled it at them while I was shouting about how they should have left me behind. That was just after I found out that Charley was missing.
I don't know what it's like when you've known them long before you're stuck with them in hell together... but as painful as it is to be reminded of what I did, I think I might have been even more fucked up alone. I'm actually stupidly grateful I got press-ganged into the mob immediately after arriving here. Team Rocket's a bitch sometimes but it's not lonely.
And. You know. I got you out of it. And Carly and Lydia and Jack and Dirk and Connie. You guys are my family now. Maybe it's stupid and sentimental, but it's how I feel.
He looks down at his hands, then back up at Tyler.
It's— hard. To still be with them. But the truth is, I wouldn't have left on my own. I didn't deserve to. Polly was the one who insisted I come along. She picked me up and carried me. Well. She's an Ogre. She can do that. And I let her because... Well. Ogre. And I guess I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her.
She knows—they all know now—how it felt for me. That I liked it. I told them. Well. Yelled it at them while I was shouting about how they should have left me behind. That was just after I found out that Charley was missing.
I don't know what it's like when you've known them long before you're stuck with them in hell together... but as painful as it is to be reminded of what I did, I think I might have been even more fucked up alone. I'm actually stupidly grateful I got press-ganged into the mob immediately after arriving here. Team Rocket's a bitch sometimes but it's not lonely.
And. You know. I got you out of it. And Carly and Lydia and Jack and Dirk and Connie. You guys are my family now. Maybe it's stupid and sentimental, but it's how I feel.
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