asmywitness | IC Inbox

[...ah.]

Let me clarify - Auslan is the name of this particular sign language, not a title.

[But he can't help a look of distaste crossing his face before he can hide it.]

I don't believe I would take that manner of communication well. I'd rather not disclose why, but I have strong issues with the concept.

I'm... glad that you're enjoying it. [But Hythlodaeus isn't doing a very good job of convincing him that this isn't just some Hot New Novelty for him, which is rather dehumanizing.] Everyone I've offered the dictionary to on the network has the option to message me and ask for further lessons, but so far only Armin's really taken me up on it. Lydia and Steven also sit on a level closer to me. [Though neither of them will talk to this man readily.]

[His hand reflexively goes to his mouth as he laughs. What a silly mistake. How long had it been since he'd made such a silly error? He manages to pull his hands back down to continue signing.]

I'm too used to titles, it seems! I thought, surely...

[He catches that look on Tyler's face. He understands it well.]

...You needn't disclose details. I saw a meteor shower a few nights ago and found myself gripped with such fear that I was covered with sweat... But Nevermind. That is unpleasant. I promise not to speak near you if I manage to recover my ability.

[Hythlodaeus' fascination can last lifetimes, but alas. It is still othering, even is Hythlodaeus is more of the Other]

Steven! He has a kind heart. He purchased a rail pass for me, did you know that?

[He takes note of Armin. He's spoken to him before, he could probably talk to him. But Lydia. Lydia. That was a catastrophic failure of communication. He frowns and looks a little sad.]

...Lydia, you say. I doubt she will speak to me again.

[Tyler raises an eyebrow curiously at the comment on Steven. Easier not to address their shared comments on trauma at all, really.]

I didn't, no. He doesn't tell me every single bit of minutiae that crosses his path, nor do I particularly want him to.

[There's no annoyance on his expression there; it's just a statement of fact. But there's no hiding how a look of curiosity passes across his face at the sudden hesitation towards Lydia.]

I wasn't privy to your conversation with her. How did you two manage such a poor conversation?

A fundamental mismatch of needs and wants, I think. She has committed a great number of cruelties, yet refuses to accept this about herself when another disapproves. She attempted to make bids for my sympathy, but I was not primed to hear it in a way that absolves her of her guilt. How strange, truly, for her to care so much what I think about while holding such disdain for me.

But it truly comes down to her threat against Emet-Selch.

[He sighs and shrugs. ]

My guess is that she does not forgive herself. I barely had to say anything while she worked herself into a lather over it..

[Hythlodaeus's indifference is met with open skepticism, in the form of a very flat stare. Hearing this from the man makes him incredibly glad that he himself and Lydia have had this discussion already. While he wouldn't deny that there was clearly some guilt in the way she admitted it all to him, he sure as hell would not have pinned it on her wanting absolution.

His signs are clipped, his expression unyielding.]

I see. I agree that there's been some, as you called it, fundamental miscommunication here, but I'm immediately left with the impression that it wasn't on her end. You and yours don't seem particularly inclined towards sympathy for the interminable situations others find themselves in, nor the choices they've made in order to survive such.

[Disregarding that Lydia kind of got herself into that situation. He's not stupid.]

I no doubt she'd prefer it if you did keep your distance to her, as do I.

[ He observes the manner of signing, watching curiously with the expression to it. ]

She has my sympathy, truly. I’ve begun to feel that it is the difference between mortal and immortal. Realizing that I will begin to age here and that Emet-Selch, whose body has begun to age already will also... [ He trails off. That sentiment is too difficult. He breaks eye contact for a moment before looking back up.]

Recently, I have noticed myself acting differently than I might have otherwise. Moral quandaries pop up more frequently in this place. My loyalties lay with Emet-Selch alone, however, and what ever that might mean for the future that we share here.

[Sorry not sorry, Hythlodaeus, but Tyler has no sympathy for your existential crisis about mortality. He's seen more death than you by a country mile.]

It seems less like sympathy and more like pity, from where I'm standing. [He's sick of getting into ethical debates with too-tall assholes, thanks Solus.]

It also seems like you've never had a moral dilemma in your life so far, so coming across them in typical mortal life is overwhelming for you. Mortals engage with them on a regular basis, so much that it becomes a force of habit to deal with them.

Oh I have had moral dilemmas. I dealt with them regularly, but the way they typically played out was thus: There was a conflict of interests, we went to the hall of rhetoric to talk it out with mediation, the mediator would hear our sides and offer his thoughts, and we would part either with changed or more resolute minds.

I cannot change my mind about aught that I have not heard enough of. I still have unanswered questions, but I will endeavor to leave well enough alone.

[He sighs, clearly stopping and thinking before he signs the next thing]

But perhaps you can help me with your perspective, as it has been weighing on me. I declined a position with my people's governing body. Because of this, Emet-Selch had to take up the mantle.

During our Final Days, when they made the call for the souls, and there was no time to think or debate. I could have given mine. But I did not. I knew that doing so would have left Emet-Selch bereft of companionship and left our people completely wanting should he have perished in the final days. Though in doing so, I allowed another to take my place.

This exception I made for myself... I still do not feel good about it. But it seems in that doing so I have been afforded a place by his side now to balance his temper and calm his soul.

Mortals don't have the liberty of a debate hall. Most of the time we're forced into snap decisions and have to live with the consequences. Active discussions such as this are only terribly frequent among friendship circles, not random strangers. Or at the very least, it's not appreciated from the latter, as it's rarely seen to be in good faith.

[Hint hint.

But he sighs, clearly annoyed, and continues signing to answer Hythlodaeus's dilemma.]

So you're guilting yourself about not being the one in Solus's place and... what, think that if you hadn't given the seat up, then somehow your apocalypse wouldn't have happened? That the choices you made are the direct cause of Solus's suffering?

[The petty answer is 'yes, you're a terrible person' and to hang up right now. But that was such a show of bad faith that he can't bring himself to. He's not that angry yet.]

You think your actions are a meaningful microcosm of the end-state of your world, and you harbour guilt for surviving it at all - though how much this world counts as surviving is highly debatable, when more than a few people come here from the dead. From hearing Solus's side of things, you might well be one of them, and simply haven't faced your own death yet.

Ah, I am lucky, then. To have such patient acquaintances that understand where I'm coming from.

[Yeah. He missed that one big time. He catches the annoyance, but, it doesn't seem to click fully in that big 'ol head.]

No, the apocalypse was unavoidable with what we knew. But I think Emet-Selch wouldn't have suffered so. And I do know that I have died already. I'm simply... trying not to leave Emet-Selch behind again.

[Tyler takes a moment to rub his face with one hand, and hopes that it's enough to hide how he's rolling his eyes.]

I don't see why you're trying to hold yourself accountable for Solus's suffering when you died for it in the end anyway.

[He sees the eyeroll, but he does not care. This is just how people interact with him, he's come to find.]

Is that how it is for mortals? Are you easily able to shake guilt and culpability? If I could have taken his place in his suffering, I would.

We learn to live with it. Use it as learning tools to prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes again. Write it down so future generations can learn about our follies, where we can. Guilt comes in many sizes and depths - we learn to live through smaller guilts so we can handle larger ones.

Larger ones.

[He just sort of repeats that bit back as he thinks about the rest of it. He did have quite the weighted conscience.]

I have much to think about. I should depart. Thank you, Tyler.

...alright. Take care.

[He's more than happy to close the video then. Talking with Hythlodaeus just makes his skin crawl; it's like dealing with Solus again, but less charming.]

IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject