Tyler Tian Huang | 黄泰勒田 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pmEntry tags:
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[[Tyler screens his calls - anyone who tries to actually call him, he'll text back in reply.]]
asmywitness) wrote2020-03-03 05:40 pm
cw: uh violent thoughts towards borb
Though, he's well aware he cannot do so. That the creatures here are far more powerful than the mortal limits put on him and the others. So, instead, his grimly dismayed expression is about all that shows of the emotions regarding that. He does not blame Tyler, after all, by his claim he called her off. He knows well how fright can stun a man, how the residual effects of tragedy can strangle the mind and body both.
Such reactions have long since been tapped out in him. No longer does he feel those fear responses when in the face of his own rekindled trauma. The emotions are still there, he has merely learned to continue despite the fear and the pain. Despite the linger torment. A skill learned from eons of suffering—something mortals are not capable of.
A limitation of their ephemeral existence.
Finally, he looks back to Tyler, his jaw tight. It is rather good they are signing for this conversation, or else that and the lump in his throat might prove troublesome to continue this conversation.]
I see. [Is all he signs for a moment. There's an obvious pause as he collects his thoughts. Reviews the information again in his head, and then continues.] And so, by now I am sure you have come to realize that you are more a threat to Hythlodaeus, than he is to you, correct? I will not claim that he is not odd, oft his eccentricities have roused my ire and exasperation, but you must realize by now with all the evidence laid before you, he is not a threat.
Well do I know the damage suffered from the past can taint our perceptions, they can likewise make us into bumbling fools. But we truly embrace ourselves as these fools when we believe the warped perception of reality in light of the evidence that proves otherwise. Our likeness to your past tormentor is...regrettable, but we are not them. Hythlodaeus the least of all.
He has never claimed a life, he has scarce harmed another living creature. The man gets sick at the thought of eating another living being. He is a pacifist, and you would let your fear rob you of your senses before a man far more gentle than any mortal could ever be!
[He stops, realizing his signing was getting more exaggerated, the whipping and speed of his hands radiating his aggression and frustration. And so he stops. Takes a moment to suck in a breath, holds it for a moment, then breathes it out. Like an emotional soft reset. The disappointment eases from his expression, and he offers Tyler a tired neutral expression instead.]
What I mean to say is thus: whether you will it or no, the fear that has made its home in your bosom commands you. It will grow, it will fester, it will torment you. Slowly, it will rot away your morals, your sense of self, your bonds. It will consume and annihilate your very existence, till you are naught but a shell of the man you once were. Living in naught but pain and cause naught but it in kind.
You must needs ascertain command of yourself, lest you perpetuate the very cycle of suffering that has brought you so low. I will stay any and all retribution for the sins you have committed against me and mine. A mercy you may not be worthy of otherwise—but I have grown fond of you, despite myself. And as such, I expect only the best for and of you.
All I ask is that you seek the path to mend your broken heart, ere it leads to the breaking of others. You have already done so to Hythlodaeus. Make certain you do not do so again to those so utterly undeserving.
cw: uh self-loathing and suicidal ideation
Tyler keeps watching Solus talk, letting him say his piece, but every string of movement is another punch to the gut with how the man's speed is increasing, his aggression growing more visible with every move. By the time Solus stops himself, and takes pause, Tyler is only still sitting upright and watching him through sheer force of will, because he wants to just curl up and die. There's a sense of safety, really, in that Solus is letting himself be visibly angry about it - that's not a luxury his Keeper ever gave him - but that doesn't necessarily make it that much easier to handle.
The rest of what he has to say is... true. It is, and as much as he hates it, he knows it is. And it just makes him ache further, enough that his careful poise slips for a moment when he looks away after Solus is done speaking. He is tired, he is still sore, he hates everything about this, and he doesn't have the energy or presence of mind to properly control the utter loathing that slips lightly onto his face - but he's not pointing it at Solus, instead staring somewhat blankly down at his own hands as he signs.
He almost prefers the idea that Solus would punish him, rather than this gracious pity.]
You have too much faith in me. Some things are beyond fixing and I've been one of them for some months, since well before arriving here. I was content with not seeking out Hythlodaeus before, but rest assured I won't be doing so again now. [And a small smile twitches onto his face, a bitter thing as that loathing continues to stab deeper within himself.] You're correct about my heart, as you are most things, but I have no confidence there's anything left to repair. I'm as rich a monster as any I've ever written and would the will of this place allow it you'd not see more of me again.
no subject
They choose to perpetuate their misery, choose to harm one another, it's all the same! It is always the same. But, he supposes, he is ever the bumbling fool he was warning Tyler about. Because, despite the evidence proving his notions right, he cannot help but feel sympathetic to the loathsome way Tyler's features twist, the anguish that he bears upon his features. How it squeezes his heart, and makes his chest ache.
He really is truly pitiful, and Solus cannot help the empathy he feels. Nor the unhelpful thought of how mortal suicide has always been pointless, when their lives are so short already. Fortunately he has sense to not say that. Had this been someone else, he might have.]
Oh you are no monster, do not be so dramatic. You are damaged, perhaps even broken, yes, but even something smashed to minuscule fragments can yet be restored. Even if you may never be the man you used to be, you are far from gone. You need but the will, though it is no simple task by any means. But if an entire reality can be restored once it has been shattered, then I have my doubts that you are so special, so singularly resilient to healing, that you cannot.
[At least as he says this, he does look sympathetic, though the expression is decidedly conflicted.]
Truly there would be naught left to repair if you did away with yourself, but I have no interest in dictating that mortals extend their fleeting lives when they feel so beholden to death's open door. Nevertheless, while you have no choice other than to continue to exist with the rest of us, I would suggest you make the best of this shared prison. Might you use this time to try at the very least? What have you to lose, really. You claim you have naught left, so then that would be the answer, would it not?
If you try, you might get hurt, this is true, but if you do not, you will likewise face harm—as you have already. At least one has the chance to bring about a better life, though ephemeral yours may be, is that not worth the gamble? Are those you hold dear not worth it?
no subject
angsty dramaupset brushes against Tyler's irritation - which, honestly, helps in shaking it off more than any other emotion would have. That's Summer for you.So he pushes himself to sit up a little straighter as Solus continues talking (and winces as he inadvertently puts weight on his sore arm), and actually pays attention.
Objectively, he knows everything Solus is telling him already. Too used to hearing it as mindless platitudes from Mai, when she was obviously trying to comfort herself more than him. Honestly, he's always been offended by the notion, and even now he feels his stomach curdle with resentment. Why should he be the one that has to change, again, when he's always been the one having to, to be everything someone else wants of him? Why can't he, just this once, be the one that doesn't have to? Why can't he be the one that gets to live his own goddamn way without anyone else's expectations weighing him into shape?
...because Solus was right, to his eternal chagrin. Because not changing would just keep hurting the people he cared about. As well as the people he didn't, and while he feels like he shouldn't care about them it still makes him nauseous to think of how close he was to actually breaking something of Hythlodaeus. If the man had actually managed to touch him...
Of course they are. It's myself I doubt. [At least the most of that self-loathing is gone, replaced by just plain exhaustion.] Humans aren't supposed to have memories like mine. An eternal, timeless mind overwhelms us - it's only through necessity and pain that I know how to bear the weight of mine. It's too easy to remember old mistakes, old habits, as if every time is the first time, and fall into them again and again because the path is already there. Too easy to... take things at face value, because I have something to match it to and make assumptions of.
[His hands curl into tight fists for a moment, then release.]
I didn't mean to hurt Hythlodaeus. I didn't want to. I can tolerate his presence the same I do yours, I find no problem in that, but some scars don't fade with time. I will be as terrified of him, or you, touching me tomorrow as I would have been the day I escaped my Durance, and with the way my mind works I cannot fix that. I can learn other things, I can adjust - even if it feels glacially slow to other people. [And his brow wrinkles, thinking of Steven still fearing he won't adjust to the other Changeling's new attitude.] It's not a matter of not wanting to. When it comes to thoughts of my Keeper, there will only ever be fear. Even if they're misplaced.
no subject
He has to hold himself back from correcting him, from telling him that such memory is what all people should have—but he has to remind himself that Tyler is not like his mortals. At least, not like a good majority of them. Still, he cannot help but feel pity for him, for his pain, for his torment.]
Your memory is just as mine. Eons feel instant, ancient harms are as fresh as those that are suffered in the present, never healing, never forgotten. But this need not be only a weapon, so too can it be a tool.
We may never be able to escape our torment, this is true, but we can better arm ourselves for it. Our burdens are for us to bear, not our loved ones, and so while it may seem unfair, and perhaps it is, we must merely make due. We must press on. Besides, I know you can do better, for you have made progress with me, have you not? Certainly you wish not to be touched by me, but you used to barely be able to speak with me, let alone sit next to me to offer an ear to my woes.
[Yeah, he's not about to forget that, nor let Tyler forget it. Not that either of them would, but it's useful as a reminder of Tyler's actual progress, when he seems fit to deny himself the credit that is due.]
You are right, that some scars never fade. Some scars never become scars at all, but remain open wounds that fester and bleed—fresh as the day they were forced upon us. But with memories such as ours, we have the unique ability to know the difference between that which reminds us of the past, and that which is the same as it. With more evidence and exposure to that which proves otherwise to such misgivings, it will only serve to benefit in the long run.
[He pauses a moment with that, finally giving Tyler a soft smile.]
Which means, while it is liable to be troublesome at times for both of us, I would like to offer my cooperation in assisting you on such a path to recovery. You need not answer immediately, but do think on it.
no subject
It's irritating how often Solus is right on the money with him.It's too easy to remember his own reaction to Solus after their incident - and even now, looking back on their argument in the hallway, it doesn't quite hold the same sting of anger that it did closer to the actual moment it happened.The soft smile gets a slight
suspiciousraise of Tyler's eyebrows, but whatever snide or pitying aside he was expecting from it - some backhanded Solus-ism stained with condescension - he wouldn't have guessed an offer of therapy; and so he openly stares at Solus for a good few seconds, before his brain kicks back into gear.]I... will definitely have to think about it. [But that's not a hard no - not from Tyler "fuck you fight me" Huang, by any stretch. It's not even a soft no, really, it's just confused. Even his code switching slips a little.] That's... not something I expected from you, honestly, I would have thought I was more beneath your attention than warranting personal assistance.
no subject
It is entirely logical. It has nothing to do with him liking Tyler, though that certainly makes it an easier undertaking. This is purely, and without a single doubt, formed and fueled by rational thought, and not a single bit influenced by some foolish sentimentality.
As such, he gives Tyler a bit of a placating smile, shrugging a little with his hands out at either side of him, before he starts to sign.]
Well, it merely makes sense. After all, between Hythlodaeus and myself, we are a unique boon in your personal circumstance—though it may not seem such with how our existence torments you. But, as we have been made sorely aware, Hythlodaeus is not likely the one whom can aid you in such a way. Viewed thus, it is only rational that such would fall to me.
Despite our shortcomings, embarrassing missteps, and all of that... I would much rather lend you my aid, than to watch you continue down this path of suffering. It really is in the best interest for all involved, it is only rational that I lend a hand.
no subject
[It's a little bit stiff, because he's a little bit offended. Because, by and large, the worst parts of what he has to consider regression - or maybe just self-destruction - are directly linked to one of the Amaurots meddling. If Hythlodaeus hadn't kept insisting on helping Tyler, inasmuch as intent counted, he wouldn't have lashed out. If Solus hadn't been so smug and posturing and gone out of his way to try and upset Tyler, even if he couldn't have known the true depths of Tyler's trauma then, he wouldn't have begun fearing the man to begin with. It was incredibly bloated and masturbatory for Solus to then decide and declare that he should be the one, of all people, to try and stoke Tyler back into sanity.
(He stays his hands for a moment so he can look away and take a drink of his cooling coffee.)
...but the worst part is, Tyler isn't opposed to letting him. He knows he needs it, doesn't believe for a second that this world is equipped to deal with his issues, and even beyond that there's being a Rocket to consider. He knows he's not prone to slips of the hand; quite the opposite in fact. He's reluctant to even deliver the most basic of personal information about himself to most people. Yet here Solus is, already knowing most of all his trauma and offering.
When he lowers his hands again, that sullen edge is gone and he's back to being politely calm.]
Regardless, your reasoning is sound enough. [Even if it sounds like he's gifting Tyler the privilege of being helped by him.] I'd be more comfortable with more time to think on it, I don't want to give you an answer here and now, but I'm not... immediately opposed.
no subject
[Honestly, he is being a bit of an egotist in how he's offering and explaining this, but that's his own way of hiding the true sentiment behind the offer. It's bad enough that he's aware of his attachment to Tyler, little does he need Tyler to be keen of its depth—let alone that it truly exists in any capacity.
So, as Tyler takes his time to think on the matter, Solus waits patiently. There's nothing about his body language that would imply he's trying to rush him, or force anything. He looks calm and relaxed, or rather, as much as he can be either of those things with his own emotions still in a bit of a tizzy. It's hard not to be, with Hythlodaeus' injury being so present.
Yet, when he does answer, Solus gives a slow, understanding nod.]
That is all I can ask: that you give it true consideration. As I said, I do not expect an immediate answer, but a mere eventual one. Take your time, but not too much time, for that can become its own problem.
If you have nothing further to say on the matter, perhaps it is best we part ways for now? To afford you some reflection on the matter. Unless, of course, you might have aught further to add...?
no subject
He holds his coffee mug in both hands as he considers it - it's actually uncomfortable where it presses against his bare burns, but he doesn't lift his hands until he's thought of a proper way to say what he's thinking. There's a softer care to his movements, a faint look of guilt on his face.]
As of yet I don't trust myself to be objective towards Hythlodaeus, in text or otherwise. So, I... I would greatly appreciate if you would be willing to pass on my apologies for the harm I inflicted on him.
[Wilfully or not, he did hurt the man. That deserved acknowledging. Even if it rather feels like Solus is trying to coax it out of him.]
no subject
With a careful gaze, he takes in the hesitance, the way that Tyler signs, the soft way he moves, the guilt. These are good things, he thinks. This means there is hope yet.]
Certainly. Your awareness of your bias is certainly promising, oft is that the first step, as they say. I will be certain to pass along your message, and likewise press upon him to respect your need for distance.
All the same, you have my gratitude. Pray, take care of yourself, Tyler.
[And with that, he will politely take his leave. Well, as polite as one can take that strange little wave he does as he departs.]