asmywitness | IC Inbox

I know that a lot better than you think, don't worry.

I can talk to her about it if you want, if it's getting to you. No guarantees it'll actually help, mind you.

I mean. Normally I wouldn't ask you to, but when it's her *and* Emet-Selch, it gets to be a bit much. And I don't think even you can get *him* to shut the fuck up.

I'm glad you two figured shit out, then. I'd hoped you would.

You don't know jack and shit about us.

But that goes both ways, I guess, I don't follow your conversations with her, either. What are you two even sniping at each other about?

I don't. But if you've figured out that you're both emotionally invested (which is what you implied just there) then I'm glad.

And in this case, she's doing all to most of the sniping. I mean, you saw her little snide comment to me in Connie's post, right? Just a lot of little shit like that which I'm mostly ignoring, because I don't want to get into some huge fight *thing*, even though honestly, I get it, I'm the worst ever, I fucked up everything for all of us, *I goddamn know*, Lydia.

Later she popped up in my DMs to chew me out when I mentioned her in the context to baseball heist to Osomatsu, when I was giving him a criminal peptalk/mentor speech. Which I *get*, I really do, she's fucking embarrassed by what happened--it's just--

Fuck. I don't know. I don't have anything against her chewing me out for that, because I really should have just said 'two others' instead of naming you specifically, it's just...

God. It's this whole impression I get from her that she's already made up her mind going into every goddamn conversation and isn't going to change it and half the time we aren't even having the same goddamn *argument*, she's just arguing against what she *expects* me to say, even if it's not what I'm actually fucking saying!

Like, okay, after she came to bitch me out about not letting you give Hythlo a memory wipe (and for creating the whole problem with him in the first place), then she was all 'I don't trust him, nobody's that nice for no reason' to which I replied something along the lines of 'of course he's got a reason for being that nice, he's doing it for the same reasons I am which is that it's an effective way to get people to do what you want, and he's actually a bit of a bastard underneath' and she acted like I straight up defended him whole-heartedly which I did *not* and that I was saying he *was* doing good things for no reason which I *was not* and my god, Tyler, it's like arguing with a goddamn *brick wall*.

I just. I don't know what to do about that, you know? I really fucking *don't*. I get it if she wants to call me out on things I actually did, like she did today. I need people to call me out when I'm fucking up. But also need to be able to trust that she's calling me out for shit I'm actually *doing* and not shit she's decided I'm doing when I'm not and right now I *can't*. And I can't deal with her being pissed off about stuff I *didn't say*. And I just--

As much as she pisses me off half the time, I do care about her the rest of the time. And it hurts that she's dumped all the blame on what happened on me. I mean, I get it, she doesn't want to blame you, she *likes* you, but I just. Fuck. I don't know. I really don't. I'm sorry I didn't warn you about recruiting him. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear to him how *not* to come off as a blackmailer. But I'm not-- I don't need to always be her *scapegoat.*

[Steven why. He takes a moment to rub his eyes before he replies.]

Okay, so by the sounds of it, you keep insulting her on public forums to random-ass strangers. Which, you know - or apparently not, given this keeps happening - you *shouldn't* do. Lydia's proud as shit, and there's not a lot of things we can control here. Appearance is one of them and you KNOW that means everything to Lydia, so maybe stop shitting on her with no provocation, for starters.

Second, when she chewed you out after the whole mess thing I had just finished having a post-PTSD breakdown, and you - and we both agree, you *are* one of my best friends - didn't look fucking good during it. Probably the smart thing to do there would have been to back down and LET her chew you out so she could get her anger out properly, I guess? If you'd just let her go off she'd probably be done being a petty fuck about it like a month ago. The same way you do with me.

Because now it doesn't look like you care about or respect her opinion, or her, or me.

So, you know, call-out post for Steven Durante - stop being a stubborn asshole and let someone else be angry and upset about things, and don't *correct* them on it. Sometimes being friends with a piece of shit means knowing when to stand down and let it happen.

I mean, it hasn't even *been* a month. It just feels like it, because time does fucked up things when everything sucks.

But. Fine. I screwed up by defending myself. I can admit that. I'll stop doing that. I can eat my crow. I can eat a shitton of it.

Just-- Fuck. I don't know. I just.

I get that I created most of my problems. I *get* that the best thing for me to do is to shut the fuck up and reap what I sowed. But I'm *tired*, Tyler. Of just having to fucking *take it* all the time and not say anything in my defense. Which I guess is why I'm so bad at doing that.

I just want to stop feeling like shit all the time. Even when I do the right thing I feel like shit.

Yeah, don't worry, I recognise the archetype you're playing into.

It's all the shit you had to live through already. You've spent long enough being small, being quiet and obedient. Why fucking should you anymore, when the repercussions for *not* being so now are so fucking meaningless compared to your Keeper's wrath?

But surprise surprise, social consequences are still a thing, other people and their emotions *matter*, and now you're the asshole in the wrong because you never learned how to differentiate between necessary survival skills and showing some goddamn solidarity.

I'm not gonna talk to Lydia, actually, this is pretty much all on you, because you KNOW what to expect from her. Just fucking apologise, acknowledge that her outrage was valid in a time of intense emotion, and start leaving Solus on fucking read because clearly having more than one person angry at you at a time completely destroys your ability to reason.

[There's a delay before he replies again.]

*I'm* not mad at you, for the record. Like recognises like, that's all.

[There's a long delay on Steven's side.]

Three. Actually. Maybe four. *Possibly* five.

Hythlodaeus is pissed (rightfully so) that when 'Solus' slid into my DMs to abuse me and bitch at me for being the person his ex- is spending time with in order to avoid him, I accidentally let it slide that he *is* hiding things from 'Solus.'

Connie's annoyed (and rightfully so) that 'Solus' and I had a petty bitchfight on her post.

And Jack's annoyed (and rightfully so) that back when *he* was rising in the organization ranks, it took him *forever* to get promoted and I made Beta quicker than he made Private. It's primarily directed at the admins rather than me, but it still making me feel shitty about the one good thing that happened, that I should actually *be* proud of.

Okay, so.

Keeping in mind I'm not your therapist, I'm going to continue to not sugarcoat shit because that's really not what you *need*:

Three relates directly back to two, because you *really* need to stop gossiping about people's flaws, secrets or otherwise immutable personal facts, because you only really do it to be a bitch. Also relates to one: fucking stop with Solus.

Four: see one. Take the L. Grow up.

Five: not my problem, not your problem, not your fault, not Jack's fault. He'll get over it, you'll get over it, suck it up and suck him off if you think he's mad at you about it. I know you're fine with the idea of apology sex.

No, my therapist just threatened to take me apart, piece by piece, if I ever allude to any secrets he's keeping from his ex- *to* his ex- ever again. It was utterly terrifying, strangely hot, and I want to be able to go from zero to unhinged that seamlessly someday.

But okay, fine, you're right about all of it, damn it.

I suspect it'll take more than one blowjob to make up for it, but at least I like to give them and my mouth is once again no longer razors.

I know I am.

[At least he's not being insufferably smug about it.]

Did not need to hear about your enemies to therapist to rivals kink, but sure. We have circumstantial proof that you *do* reach that stage at some point anyway, so like. Goals, I guess. Just don't hold out hope for it to happen here, we're MA15 in a PG world.

I know, I know.

And, look, if anything, it's more me having a thing for my fellow (probable) psychopaths. Which explains everything about why I'm with Jack and why I keep reacting to Hythlodaeus in these extremely unfortunate ways.

(God, I wonder if 'Solus' *realizes* I am or if his stupid accusations of fucking Hythlo were just-- him deciding that there's nothing worth being in my company for *other* than my pretty face and drawing his own conclusions.)

... but hey, there's confirmation that you're *not* one of us, no matter how much your Keeper fucked you up, because I've no interest whatsoever in *you*.

I'd fucking hope you don't, you've already made it very clear how much I remind you of your sister. And I'm not into guys who are ten plus years older than me.

*Again*, Steven, other people's personal information. I don't care if Hythlodaeus is a literal psychopath, that's not yours to share. I also don't care about Hythlodaeus's continued existence in general.

Also also.

STOP. CARING. ABOUT. SOLUS'S. OPINION. For FUCK'S sake. Stop giving him space in your goddamn fucking brain. All he wants is attention and you keep *handing* it to him on a silver goddamn platter. Go out of your way to give him either (ideally) no response whatsoever or (if you fucking have to) single-word responses. Make yourself *boring*, and I guarantee he'll lose interest in you.

Right.

... and it's not *nearly* as much as you used to, honestly. Before I knew you better. It's very much a surface resemblance, because you're both so damn clever and you're both writers and blunt and like clothes and you call me on my bullshit when I need my bullshit called on and I'd do so much for you.

But personality-wise? No. You're very different people. She's-- very much an idealist. Even after ghosts and vampires and shit. And she's-- mm. More playful. And she calms down more easily. Honestly, the person most like her isn't you or even Armin--it's *Entrapta*. Ah. Not that I'll ever tell her that. Given how I learned my lesson with you.

Not everyone bites back as hard at being infantilized as me. I'm the outlier, not the standard.

Don't think I haven't noticed how you keep diverting away from the shit that's hard to confront about yourself, by the way. Dodging off of Lydia and Solus was kind of obvious as shit. Connie too, to a lesser extent, but it mostly seems like as soon as I present to you that you have to genuinely analyse how you're interacting with someone and that your methods on such might be in the wrong, you dance off it.

You do it a lot in general, actually, you've just been doing it in rapid succession here and make it more obvious than usual.

I mean, what do you want me to *say*? You've already analyzed all the ways I've fucked up and shoved my nose in it. Do you need me to explicitly say you're right and I'm wrong?

Because you probably are.

Fuck knows I don't trust my own judgement these days.

I don't want you to stroke my ego, I want you to acknowledge that you're going to do something about it so I have some kind of word to hold you to.

I want to have PROOF that when I smack you for not doing it later, it's a justified "I told you so".

Edited 2020-08-15 08:34 (UTC)

You're right. I'm being an ass. I'll-- figure out how to apologize to Lydia and next time I'll just let her abuse me until she's calmed the fuck down.

And I'll give Emet-Selch the terse, one-word-at-best silent treatment until he gets bored with me. And I'll hope to fuck that he does.

That better?

Yes, actually. Christ.

But seriously, just. Make an effort. I might be more of an asshole than you sometimes, but at least I take steps to fix it if it fucks someone else up, rather than ignoring it and letting it fester.

[That hurts. But since it's Tyler and Tyler doesn't tell him things he doesn't mean, he'll listen. Because he knows Tyler, at least, isn't just telling him to make him feel like shit, but because Steven being an ass is making things harder for him.]

Right.

I'm sorry, Tyler.

Don't be sorry, be better.

Sorry for being so harsh about it. I'm gonna take a break, but I'm not mad at you. This is just a lot.

No, no. You're entirely within your rights to take a break from my shit. Being best friends doesn't mean you can't have boundaries.

I'm going to be better.

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