asmywitness | IC Inbox

It's a good ten minutes before Steven texts him back.

Honestly, if I had to guess, it's probably closer to the last option. Which... isn't much better.

Steven types out and erases without sending his next text a couple times before finally settling on,

I think maybe a lot of my... I don't know what to call them. I think a lot of my ways of dealing with things are getting fucked up with you, I guess.

He stares down at the pokegear for a long, long moment before typing, I don't think it helps me knowing who to be for you when being through the same bullshit sort of forced this... god, I don't know... a feeling of intimacy, I guess, upon us? A sharing of things only we will understand. And you're very different than the last person who I had that kind of... platonic understanding with.

You're *not* Charley. And I know that. I do. Even with a very traumatic experience in common which gave us something that we understand and others don't, we don't... really know each other. And it makes it weird, I guess, to calibrate who I should be with you. Should I act as if we're colleagues or friends or what? I think sometimes I just... unthinkingly default to who I was for *her*. Ranting at you--god or Carly, I've done it to her too--like you're *her*. Going overboard with, like, proactive protection bullshit like I would have for *her*.

But you're not very much like her at all and the things she'd accepted or even welcomed from me aren't anything you want and God, I really didn't realize--

Shit.

Tyler just stares at the reply for a little while. The length of time it took for Steven to reply has cooled his rising temper, and he can be a bit more rational again.

We're Changelings. Of everyone here, we're the ones who should understand best all the rules of secrecy that we're forced into - not even just as Imports, as fucking Rockets. How is what we're doing here any different than being part of a freehold back home? It feels like that hasn't occured to you yet - you're just adopting the people that you like, for being like Charley, and shunning the ones who don't because they're somehow not up to this unknowable set of personal standards.

You can't do that. We're not friends. We're not Charley. And just because I'm another Changeling, doesn't mean I'm some junior version of you and yours that needs protecting against the big bad world like I don't know that. I bet she did too, but hell if I know if you respected that from her either.

It honestly doesn't matter that we're both Changelings. People get traumatised and hurt and have sordid histories all the same. And right now, we're human. We're people. And you need to learn to actually treat me - and Carly, and whoever else you're projecting this shit onto, like them. Like an actual person, independent of your grandiose delusions of needing protecting and somehow relying on you, who'll be there at your beck and call for every negative thought that needs spewing out of you.

He sighs, sitting back and staring at his phone for a while. He's not angry. He's not - and that actually surprises him. He's just. Tired.

Otherwise, I can't trust you.

It's a while before the reply comes back, while Steven loses himself in prepping the berries because he feels like utter shit right now and it's all of it deserved.

No.

You're right.

I... was going to say that I don't know what's wrong with me, but I do. Just. Not what's wrong with me in this specific context.

I. Don't know how well I'm going to do at this. And maybe I should stick to texting to you where I can actually *see* you, because it's easier not to slip into bad habits that way.

I *do* want to not be such an asshole about this. I'm going to try as hard as *hell* not to.

Can I ask you to tell me when I am being that asshole in case I don't catch it?

Just. I don't know. Think of me as if I were (a monster, he thinks, before typing,) an alien who's gotten really good at faking being a human... but doesn't know how to act when he's not pretending to be a human. And who *is* trying not to pretend anymore, because he's in a place where it might be okay to be a little bit of an alien and he owes it to the people he's placed his trust in to be more honest with them, but the only practice he's ever had at not hiding that he's an alien has been with one single person who he's known since she was born.

Because. That's basically what's going on. More or less.

I don't, actually, want to be this kind of dick, Tyler. But I am fucked if I know how to be honest in any other way. I am going to *try*. Just... please tell me when I'm fucking up. Like, right away. I think I can trust you not to mince words with me.

Edited 2020-03-20 05:41 (UTC)

Steven has so many more issues than Tyler knows how to handle. Normally he didn't give a shit about other people's mental health, outside of his own. But here it was being unloaded on him.

As much as he's annoyed at Steven's general disrespect, he can begrudgingly admit that admitting all of that was a big thing.

All of this frank as shit dialogue between us and you think I'll put a filter on it now? That's cute.

But seriously.

I can try and help smack you when you're being particularly incorrigible, but this is gonna have to be a lot of self-policing. I'm not your psych, but I'm willing to try and help nudge you in, like. A direction that's better than 'coddle the shit out of everyone'.

Honestly, the last time I had one was when I was eight. And it was grief counseling and not... this. I can do self-policing when I know what to watch for. I might still fuck up, but. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's police myself. I just. Need to know what to watch for. Which I obviously did not.

If I see you doing it on the network, I'll hijack whatever and ping you. I can't do anything about it in real time, obviously, but. I don't know, maybe that much alone will help a bit. Just make you more self-aware.

Yeah.

Thanks. I really do owe you. I've been kind of a shitty... coworker lately.

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