asmywitness | IC Inbox

Tyler shrugs, but his expression is distant.

I didn't think I deserved to either. I just... had to. If I didn't then, I never would. And I almost didn't anyway, but...

His hands tremble, lift like he wants to make a sign, but he hesitates and bites his lip. Reaches for a different sign instead.

...my boyfriend stepped in and defended me from our Keeper. If he hadn't taken the Director's attention, Mai and I wouldn't have escaped. I... can't imagine what that must have cost him. He was nearly fully gone, I had to drag him with us. If I hadn't... I didn't...

He stops, and lifts an arm so he can draw his hand down his face, looking more tired and old than he ever has. A true piece of the cynical Wizened edge shining through.

(He didn't even get to say goodbye.)

Eventually, he sighs through his nose and keeps talking. ...I feel the same, honestly. If I hadn't been thrown into Team Rocket I would have been a lot less grounded. I don't feel like most of the others like or even know me that well, but it's still something knowing I don't have to force it with them.

Gundam is super not my thing, but I can see why you're into it. Ox moves back towards him, and it's Tyler's turn to pat the giant dinosaur's head for a good few seconds. Where do you even catch those, anyway?

[To his credit, he looks freshly uncomfortable at Solus's "not angry just disappointed" disdain from Tyler's bad call.]

...I apologise for my assumption. It's still hard reframing what... other immortals are capable of when I've only had the one, far less sympathetic example.

[It's honestly hard admitting he's not seeing things as objectively as he thinks he does, and this is a very exhausting conversation for it.]

If it's alright with you, I. May have to draw this conversation to a close. You've given me a lot to try and wrap my head around, that I need to come to terms with in a few ways. [He offers a small, uncertain smile.] I appreciate you taking the time to tell me all of it. I know it can't have been easy.

Ruins of Alph, Steven replies right away, fingerspelling the second half of the name. Among other places. Or, well, their pre-evolution at least. At some point when we don't have other priorities, we really should just all three spend the day there, you and me and Lydia. That's where they've got Sigilyphs too, I think. I definitely want one of those.

And also we should visit Dr Pines' museum-gym, even if we don't challenge it.

I think you'd be surprised by how much they like you, Steven signs. Not just me and Lydia--although I think you might be underestimating how much she likes you too. I know you're just fuckbuddies, and you're probably happy with that, but if you ever do want to turn it into an Actual Relationship, you should just-- well. Tell her. She very well might say yes. Fuck knows I didn't think I wanted a real relationship either, but Jack brought it up and suddenly I realized that no, actually, I did.

It's like I said when we were high. People like us can still have these things, no matter if we were made or born. We just have to do it with other people like us. And-- I promise I won't say I told you so if it happens, no matter how much I might want to.

He ducks his head a little awkwardly before he goes on.

But like I said before I got sidetracked there, I think you'd be surprised. Connie likes you. Carly likes you. Dirk likes you. Jack... was being a giant toddler about you being in our help wanted ad and not him, but he was more mad at me than you. I think he's chill about you in most contexts. And Spinel likes everybody. Solus... is a piece of shit and London, Garak, and Melissa don't really know you, but those last three are newbies anyway.

I mean, I get why you didn't notice about Dirk and Connie and Carly. You always go by your first impressions of people, which is why I'm glad I didn't make an ass of myself over the 'gear until after we'd hung out twice in person, but sometimes people do change when you're not noticing that they did. And I don't even just mean me emerging from my multiple-month internal scream. I used to... not know how to handle you. Because you'd been through the same shit as me, but you were so normal or anyway your normal person game was so strong and I was just. Flailing all the time. It took me until we got high together to even start to get you as a person. I still don't always, but I'm trying. And I'm sorry I used to treat you as a kid because you're not a kid. Hell, in some things you're more experienced than me.

His hands still, but only for just a second before he adds, And. I get it. About only being able to escape because other people sacrificed themselves for you. None of them were as precious to me as a boyfriend but. We started the escape with thirteen, including me. By the time we reached San Diego there were only six.

Edited (I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT CARLY) 2020-06-24 02:46 (UTC)

[Even though Solus wasn't trying to get worked up over that, he does feel rather keenly how his heart rate did indeed increase. How his emotions have rose as he explains the depth of loss, and the further logic behind what he's doing...even if it's a lot heavier of a weight than he might be implying. It's not so simple that he's taking all these lives because of the true life it will be restoring...

Tyler was right in that he's fond of mortals in his own way—but mainly he pities them, despite himself. Much the same with how he feels about Tyler, and the clear discomfort that he's feeling settles Solus a bit. Letting out a slow breath, he's able to calm himself. But that apology also helps to soothe his disappointment, and he gives a shallow nod.]

You are right, this is never easy, but neither is the constant misunderstandings. If I can yet find common ground, or at the very least understanding, to keep such at bay...then it's worth revisiting the ache.

[He gives Tyler his own smile, and if he remembers what Hythlodaeus said, he might note that the left corner of his mouth is the higher part to his otherwise crooked smile.]

You have my gratitude, thank you. Pray take care.

[And with that usual flamboyant wave of his—though it's far more languid and...tired, he cuts the feed.]

[He’s unmasked with his hood down. A conservatively similar style, but it has a purpose. He begins to sign, attempting to emote a little more outwardly. It is awkward to behold, but the hand movements are mirror images of what he studied from the dictionary. It’s a little uncanny.]

Good evening, Tyler. I have been studying your dictionary for the last three weeks. I would like more words to use.

In turn, I will teach you a little something.

[He then fingerspells hythlodaeus and emet-selch. ]

Where we are from, these names have meaning. My name can be said as such: “Speaker of Nonsense”. Emet-Selch would understand and answer to “Forgiver of Truth”. You can call him “Angel of Truth”, but the former will get a more interesting reaction from him.

[Well, this is........ wild. Not just seeing his own spelling habits reflected back at him in Hythlodaeus's motions, but the request itself. He'd put some two thousand words in that dictionary.]

I... [His hands fumble a little as he tries to find the words.] Most of my words are just habit, at this point. It's difficult for me to specifically recall my entire vocabulary due to the sheer scope of it, and a lot of it is unconscious memory anyway.

Your own society is not the only one that puts stock in what names mean, as well: it's incredibly common among all cultures to instil meaning behind their names in some way. My own can be translated to mean "to peacefully force", based on the characters it uses.

Edited 2020-06-27 07:30 (UTC)

[He doesn’t look quite disappointed, but his usual smug look comes back to his face. It has to be unconscious. He abandons fingerspelling Emet-Selch’s name in favor of its meaning. The flow is nicer certainly.]

Emet-Selch has spent some time practicing with me, yet I sometimes come up empty-handed. Our language, when spoken, is not transcribable with this alphabet. I need more practice, but I know Emet-Selch is teaching me his own eccentricities... I’m glad to be speaking with you now.

...A bit of a tangent. Forgive me, as I have come to understand recently that this curiosity can be understood as unkind. I mean no unkindness. Was this a matter of birth or injury? [ He punctuates by pointing to his ears. He tries to smooth his expression a little more. He wasn’t used to talking to near-strangers without a mask, clearly.]

“To peacefully force.” It sounds like an Amaurotine name. Elegant. Can I call you this way...or do you prefer Tyler?

[The speaker of nonsense certainly earned his name.]

[Tyler still has very mixed feelings about these two learning his native language. He tries not to look too deeply unimpressed at Hythlodaeus.]

I would greatly prefer Tyler. Or if you have to use Auslan, my name sign. [Which he then demonstrates: and Hythlo may recognise, from his intense study, that it's formed of the word 'wise' with the fingersign for 'T' leading instead of his thumb.] And my deafness is a genetic defect that runs in my family - Solus has lead me to believe that that is unheard of in your time.

[He also uses shorthand for Solus - SL with one hand.]

If you don't know a word, find the English equivalent and fingerspell that. Make something up that seems fitting. Unless you have specific word crises that you run into regularly, I can't help you more than that.

Edited 2020-06-27 07:55 (UTC)

[Hythlodaeus’ smile changes slightly, the smugness melts into a genuine sort of placidity. ]

Very well, Auslan Tyler. [... Though he seems to just be committing it to memory. And a little confused. ]

Yes. Emet-Selch has the right of it, illness and defect was not something our people experienced. Certainly not for very long, at the very least. Our ability to modify and correct delved into the very make up of all things. [He frowns, that came out awkwardly. ]

Apologies. The English part is awkward to me. I cannot normally speak it, but it ordinarily would not matter. There is something to be said for the fascinating differences born of these little deficiencies. However, the way we speak would bypass aural anatomical defect. Though I am curious how it would manifest to you.

I appreciate your sharing of this knowledge. It is kind and noble. You must understand that learning something new at my advanced age is a pleasure like none other. So, who else have you taught?

Edited 2020-06-27 16:35 (UTC)

[...ah.]

Let me clarify - Auslan is the name of this particular sign language, not a title.

[But he can't help a look of distaste crossing his face before he can hide it.]

I don't believe I would take that manner of communication well. I'd rather not disclose why, but I have strong issues with the concept.

I'm... glad that you're enjoying it. [But Hythlodaeus isn't doing a very good job of convincing him that this isn't just some Hot New Novelty for him, which is rather dehumanizing.] Everyone I've offered the dictionary to on the network has the option to message me and ask for further lessons, but so far only Armin's really taken me up on it. Lydia and Steven also sit on a level closer to me. [Though neither of them will talk to this man readily.]

[His hand reflexively goes to his mouth as he laughs. What a silly mistake. How long had it been since he'd made such a silly error? He manages to pull his hands back down to continue signing.]

I'm too used to titles, it seems! I thought, surely...

[He catches that look on Tyler's face. He understands it well.]

...You needn't disclose details. I saw a meteor shower a few nights ago and found myself gripped with such fear that I was covered with sweat... But Nevermind. That is unpleasant. I promise not to speak near you if I manage to recover my ability.

[Hythlodaeus' fascination can last lifetimes, but alas. It is still othering, even is Hythlodaeus is more of the Other]

Steven! He has a kind heart. He purchased a rail pass for me, did you know that?

[He takes note of Armin. He's spoken to him before, he could probably talk to him. But Lydia. Lydia. That was a catastrophic failure of communication. He frowns and looks a little sad.]

...Lydia, you say. I doubt she will speak to me again.

[Tyler raises an eyebrow curiously at the comment on Steven. Easier not to address their shared comments on trauma at all, really.]

I didn't, no. He doesn't tell me every single bit of minutiae that crosses his path, nor do I particularly want him to.

[There's no annoyance on his expression there; it's just a statement of fact. But there's no hiding how a look of curiosity passes across his face at the sudden hesitation towards Lydia.]

I wasn't privy to your conversation with her. How did you two manage such a poor conversation?

A fundamental mismatch of needs and wants, I think. She has committed a great number of cruelties, yet refuses to accept this about herself when another disapproves. She attempted to make bids for my sympathy, but I was not primed to hear it in a way that absolves her of her guilt. How strange, truly, for her to care so much what I think about while holding such disdain for me.

But it truly comes down to her threat against Emet-Selch.

[He sighs and shrugs. ]

My guess is that she does not forgive herself. I barely had to say anything while she worked herself into a lather over it..

[Hythlodaeus's indifference is met with open skepticism, in the form of a very flat stare. Hearing this from the man makes him incredibly glad that he himself and Lydia have had this discussion already. While he wouldn't deny that there was clearly some guilt in the way she admitted it all to him, he sure as hell would not have pinned it on her wanting absolution.

His signs are clipped, his expression unyielding.]

I see. I agree that there's been some, as you called it, fundamental miscommunication here, but I'm immediately left with the impression that it wasn't on her end. You and yours don't seem particularly inclined towards sympathy for the interminable situations others find themselves in, nor the choices they've made in order to survive such.

[Disregarding that Lydia kind of got herself into that situation. He's not stupid.]

I no doubt she'd prefer it if you did keep your distance to her, as do I.

[ He observes the manner of signing, watching curiously with the expression to it. ]

She has my sympathy, truly. I’ve begun to feel that it is the difference between mortal and immortal. Realizing that I will begin to age here and that Emet-Selch, whose body has begun to age already will also... [ He trails off. That sentiment is too difficult. He breaks eye contact for a moment before looking back up.]

Recently, I have noticed myself acting differently than I might have otherwise. Moral quandaries pop up more frequently in this place. My loyalties lay with Emet-Selch alone, however, and what ever that might mean for the future that we share here.

[Sorry not sorry, Hythlodaeus, but Tyler has no sympathy for your existential crisis about mortality. He's seen more death than you by a country mile.]

It seems less like sympathy and more like pity, from where I'm standing. [He's sick of getting into ethical debates with too-tall assholes, thanks Solus.]

It also seems like you've never had a moral dilemma in your life so far, so coming across them in typical mortal life is overwhelming for you. Mortals engage with them on a regular basis, so much that it becomes a force of habit to deal with them.

Oh I have had moral dilemmas. I dealt with them regularly, but the way they typically played out was thus: There was a conflict of interests, we went to the hall of rhetoric to talk it out with mediation, the mediator would hear our sides and offer his thoughts, and we would part either with changed or more resolute minds.

I cannot change my mind about aught that I have not heard enough of. I still have unanswered questions, but I will endeavor to leave well enough alone.

[He sighs, clearly stopping and thinking before he signs the next thing]

But perhaps you can help me with your perspective, as it has been weighing on me. I declined a position with my people's governing body. Because of this, Emet-Selch had to take up the mantle.

During our Final Days, when they made the call for the souls, and there was no time to think or debate. I could have given mine. But I did not. I knew that doing so would have left Emet-Selch bereft of companionship and left our people completely wanting should he have perished in the final days. Though in doing so, I allowed another to take my place.

This exception I made for myself... I still do not feel good about it. But it seems in that doing so I have been afforded a place by his side now to balance his temper and calm his soul.

Mortals don't have the liberty of a debate hall. Most of the time we're forced into snap decisions and have to live with the consequences. Active discussions such as this are only terribly frequent among friendship circles, not random strangers. Or at the very least, it's not appreciated from the latter, as it's rarely seen to be in good faith.

[Hint hint.

But he sighs, clearly annoyed, and continues signing to answer Hythlodaeus's dilemma.]

So you're guilting yourself about not being the one in Solus's place and... what, think that if you hadn't given the seat up, then somehow your apocalypse wouldn't have happened? That the choices you made are the direct cause of Solus's suffering?

[The petty answer is 'yes, you're a terrible person' and to hang up right now. But that was such a show of bad faith that he can't bring himself to. He's not that angry yet.]

You think your actions are a meaningful microcosm of the end-state of your world, and you harbour guilt for surviving it at all - though how much this world counts as surviving is highly debatable, when more than a few people come here from the dead. From hearing Solus's side of things, you might well be one of them, and simply haven't faced your own death yet.

Ah, I am lucky, then. To have such patient acquaintances that understand where I'm coming from.

[Yeah. He missed that one big time. He catches the annoyance, but, it doesn't seem to click fully in that big 'ol head.]

No, the apocalypse was unavoidable with what we knew. But I think Emet-Selch wouldn't have suffered so. And I do know that I have died already. I'm simply... trying not to leave Emet-Selch behind again.

[Tyler takes a moment to rub his face with one hand, and hopes that it's enough to hide how he's rolling his eyes.]

I don't see why you're trying to hold yourself accountable for Solus's suffering when you died for it in the end anyway.

[He sees the eyeroll, but he does not care. This is just how people interact with him, he's come to find.]

Is that how it is for mortals? Are you easily able to shake guilt and culpability? If I could have taken his place in his suffering, I would.

We learn to live with it. Use it as learning tools to prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes again. Write it down so future generations can learn about our follies, where we can. Guilt comes in many sizes and depths - we learn to live through smaller guilts so we can handle larger ones.

Larger ones.

[He just sort of repeats that bit back as he thinks about the rest of it. He did have quite the weighted conscience.]

I have much to think about. I should depart. Thank you, Tyler.

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Video, whenever is most fun or convenient to receive this

probably right before 4th wall is best

good call

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