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[asmywitness]

[[Tyler screens his calls - anyone who tries to actually call him, he'll text back in reply.]]

Comments

text; during the goldenrod crime shutdown

[fingersandteeth]

Okay but I just realized you probably don't know about smuppets and you need to they are the STUPIDEST THING

[asmywitness]

Tyler just squints at his phone.

I know we're both from the same world but what the FUCK is a smuppet.

[fingersandteeth]

Look. Sometimes when your boyfriend is busy building a giant robot with Dirk goddamn Strider and you're not supposed to visit them while they're building said robot because you'd be overcome by the inherent eroticism of giant robots and need to lure said boyfriend away for a quickie and nothing would ever get done that way... and you're tired of getting the stink-eye from the admins and your receptions job was interminable today and you can't concentrate on your book or anything you've been watching on tv and you've already hung out with the ghosts... and you can't go out and mug people because of the Fuzzles hunt and you're just that goddamn stir-crazy--

Well. Maybe you end up sneaking into your boyfriend's secret stash of drugs and rolling a (very badly made) joint for yourself in order to, you know, relax a while. Which you've never done alone before and nobody's warned you against texting people while stoned.

Oh no it's not from our world it's from DIRK'S they are his own SPECIAL CREATION

[asmywitness]

It takes Tyler a while to reply. Because he's just. Confused.

Do I want to know and why are you telling me?

[fingersandteeth]

You don't want to know and I am telling you because you are not a baby like Steven P or Connie and because I already told Carly and Jack and also you offered a blowjob to Dirk in exchange for goods or services and you deserve to know what kind of man you offered head to

So there.

[asmywitness]

...

(That's it, that's the text.)

You are very clearly not sober.

[fingersandteeth]

You're right I'm not but Jack is BUSY building a giant robot with DIRK STRIDER and we are on CRIME SHUTDOWN and I was going out of my mind

[asmywitness]

So, to clarify.

Because you couldn't do crimes, or fuck your boyfriend, you got [high/drunk/third option] and decided to kinkshame Dirk Strider at me.

[fingersandteeth]

Yes

Yes I did

Because he tried to kinkshame Jack when he's a goddamn virgin who makes puppet snuff

[asmywitness]

He's glad Steven can't see him rubbing his face. With both hands.

Alright. I have learned more about Dirk in five minutes than I think he was ever going to tell me.

That's not a condemnation of Dirk, he's pretty sure Dirk is just Like That. He's just.

Alright, this sure is fucking happening.

[fingersandteeth]

You're welcome

Anyway it's fine if I got high it's not illegal here and I'm sure Jack will understand me raiding his stash since I only took a little

[asmywitness]

...

Literally I do not care if it's legal or not here, I'm more concerned that you stole his shit.

He would much rather talk about this than puppet snuff.

[fingersandteeth]

Only a little!

We live together it would be like him getting mad I had a drink while he was gone or something like that or like ate his ice cream

Besides I might still be stoned when he gets home and he likes me high

[asmywitness]

Clearly he enjoys your tact and reticence like this.

[fingersandteeth]

It's because high me is a bitch and sober me is compulsively nice

[asmywitness]

...and evidently unable to detect sarcasm.

You ARE quite passive aggressive when you're sober. I can see how having no walls would make that worse.

[fingersandteeth]

He detected it. He just didn't care enough to acknowledge it.

He actually demolished them a while ago but somehow the compulsive niceness stayed a thing anyway

[asmywitness]

Well, this sure keeps on happening.

He just lies back on his bed, and feels Isis get comfortable on his head.

You've spent forty fucking years as a Nice Guy TM and what, a month knowing your fuckguy? Habits don't change easily, I thought you knew that already.

[fingersandteeth]

Okay I am not a Nice Guy TM I don't think girls owe me sex for basic friend gestures I don't even like sex with girls I tried once nothing happened

Also I'm not actually THAT OLD yet

Jesus Tyler how old do you think I am???

[asmywitness]

Clearly not old enough to feel the need to avoid gossiping about your coworkers' sex lives.

[fingersandteeth]

Dirk deserves it

Also if I complain about his stupidity enough to other people maybe someone else will educate him about his frankly regressive and heterocentric views of sex roles/positions and what they imply about people because I am so goddamn tired of his bullshit but someone needs to

[asmywitness]

...yeah he regrets bringing it back around to that.

I mean, he hasn't talked about his sex life or lack thereof with me yet, so I'm going entirely by your word here.

He may or may not tell Dirk later. Just so they're on the same page about what Tyler now knows.

Also I feel like that's a lot of hot air coming from you when we're from the same heterocentric and regressive world when it comes to sexual expression and relationships et cetera.

[fingersandteeth]

Yeah but I don't go around acting like switches don't exist or spewing bullshit about alpha full-featured tops or implying that being fucked is a weakness

I disinvited him to brunch over that shit

[asmywitness]

He must have been devastated. Clearly that was the cruellest possible of all punishments.

Can you see the absolutely flat movements of Tyler's hands in your mind's eye, Steven. Because that sure is his fucking tone.

I'm not saying you're wrong on general principles, but you were right about how you're a total bitch.

[fingersandteeth]

You see!!!

High me is such a bitch but because everyone just knows sober me they think I'm such a nice man

I have been literally told I am too nice to date my boyfriend by his actual goddamn child